Rhyming “libido” with “mosquito,” and not being Kurt Cobain, is the first red flag that you don’t deserve to breathe, let alone have a record deal.

Paul Wong
Rating: one star.

Schatzi, on their newest release, Fifty Reasons to Explode, is trying to be The Anniversary and failing miserably, which is pathetic. They knew they needed a Moog so they went and bought a Casio. They looked in the dictionary for “off-beat rhyming words,” so they could have bizarre lyrics. Then they pulled a scenester off the street, had her sing some semblance of background vocals in a studio with one mic in the middle of the room and then fixed the whole thing with pitch control and whine effect.

“I had to live through youuuuuuuuuuu. Step into your shoooooooees…How can I exist if I’m the only one?” whines lead singer Chris Kyle. The next line is even better; “Sometimes I kind of miss the alienation.” I guess that’s only when he’s taking a break from crying and wondering how he can exist if he’s the only one?

Bad emo is like the dregs of a hopelessly flawed society. It’s what happens when networks give out too many talk shows. It’s Fox in general. It’s the lowest of the low.

There is nothing good or interesting about Schatzi. They start with stupid riffs and surge into soft-core punk, like every emo band before them has done, and every bad emo band after them will do. How long can we live like this? How many stupid bands can this awful genre spawn when there is not variation, originality or really anything but four twentysomething white guys with Rivers Cuomo glasses combining big words with big, stupid, overdramatic, repressed, sub-masculine pain.

“You’re looking for something better, for something better,” is another all too perfect lyric in the song “Delta.” And then there’s, “After all I’m going nowhere,” in “Song for Stephanie.”

I hope they go somewhere called “away.”/

You’re fired from the music industry. Your homework is to go home, eat bleach and die.

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