If Paris Hilton’s quest for her BFF isn’t satisfying your craving for celebrity-centered “reality” tube trash, don’t fret. There’s a whole lot more where that came from. Jessica Simpson — recent Tony Romo dumpee, Razzie-nominated actress and occasional country singer — is reportedly going to rebound from her recent breakup with yet another vapid reality vehicle.

The show, tentatively titled “The Price of Beauty,” will air on VH1 and will follow Simpson as she explores the world to gain a deeper understanding of what beauty means across different cultures. It’s a cute idea, especially considering the fact that Simpson has recently been trashed by the tabloids for her supposed weight gain. Hopefully the renowned ditz will wow her audience with a new slew of catch phrases philosophizing on the origins of canned tuna.

If JSimp is a little too clean-cut for your tastes, then you may be interested in the show that famed Hollywood trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is supposedly hawking. UK’s Mirror recently reported that LiLo is approaching Britney Spears’s manager with hopes to sell the concept for a reality TV show that will, in the words of the source who leaked the item, “encapsulate her trials and tribulations as she gets back on her feet and actually becomes a working actress again.” Good luck with that, LiLo. Hopefully L.A.’s rehab centers have lax camera crew restrictions after she comes down with another case of extreme “exhaustion.”

Speaking of actresses everyone loves to hate (or hates to love, depending on personal preference), Megan Fox — the famed Hollywood intellectual known for such gems as “If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food,” — is back spewing vapid word-vomit across glossy magazines. Now that she’s successfully proven her “talents” as a demonic high school sex vixen in Diablo Cody’s upcoming “Jennifer’s Body” — as opposed to her standard role as mere non-demonic high school sex vixen — Fox thinks it’s time to shit all over director Michael Bay and his “Transformers” empire, which helped place the silicone siren on the nation’s radar in the first place.

In a recent interview, Fox referred to Bay as “Hitler,” and went on to ridicule the director by saying that when “he’s not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he’s so awkward, so hopelessly awkward. He has no social skills at all.” First of all, LOL. It makes far too much sense that the creator of such epic blockbusters as “Pearl Harbor” and “Armageddon” would have next to no social skills.

In response to Fox’s hilarious allegations, a group of three “Transformers” crew members — who, let’s admit it, were probably comprised of Bay himself, along with a lowly production assistant or two — published a public hate letter to Fox on Bay’s own website, thus igniting a classic flame war between a big-mouthed Hollywood bimbo and a nerd squad of film techies.

Say what you will about Fox’s propensity for feeding ridiculous quotes to the press and her self-conscious attempts to mold herself into America’s Next Big Sex Symbol, but she never ceases to be a delightful spectacle. It isn’t hard to come out on top when you’re up against the nerdy director of big-budget, no-brain summer fanfare.

Speaking of pointless-yet-entertaining online disputes, Twitter is slowly turning into celebritards’ primary haunt for airing their personal grievances. Who cares whether or not Twitter is actually relevant? Celebrities are just happy there is finally a platform that accommodates their narcissism by allowing them to project well-crafted beads of wisdom into 140 characters or less.

The latest high-profile bitch fight comes courtesy of the much-hated King of Celebrity Trash Talk Perez Hilton, who managed to royally piss off Demi Moore by linking to photos via Twitter of Moore’s 15-year-old daughter Tallulah Willis wearing a revealing top while out partying. Hilton accused Moore of being an inept mother, while Moore tweeted back accusing Hilton of hawking child porn. Regardless of who came out looking better in the skirmish (because there truly are no winners in a Twitter tussle), one thing is clear: We have entered a brave new world of celebrity ego battles. Prepare for this to become a regular occurrence.

Of course, any synopsis of the world of celebrity pseudo-drama would be incomplete without a proper salute to the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson. In the days and weeks following Jackson’s early demise, an awful lot of ugliness has emerged about Jackson’s personal demons and his family’s non-existent integrity. Let me just say that if you need to pay a doctor $150,000 per month to illegally inject you with a powerful anesthetic to sleep at night, then I honestly feel for your tortured soul and the terrible pain from which you were trying to escape.

To keep from ending on a downer, let’s turn our attention to something everybody has been buzzing about lately: VMAs drama! Even if you outgrew your taste for MTV-approved award ceremonies, you only needed to monitor your Facebook status or Twitter feed to come away with a few key points. One: Kanye’s a douche. Two: Gaga’s insane. Three: Beyoncé is a hero. After Kanye West succeeded in stroking his overly engorged ego by stealing the mic from teenage country singer Taylor Swift as she accepted her award for Best Female Video, West proceeded to blog a booze-tinged half-assed apology.

Unfortunately, he hasn’t learned to turn off the caps key on his MacBook Air since his last drunken outburst following his controversial 2008 Bonnaroo performance. Kanye clearly laments his poor decision: “I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!!”

Oh, celebrities. How you never cease to keep me entertained.

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