It’s official, fashionistas: Lindsay Lohan is now a seasoned runway model. Or at least that’s the newest failed career trajectory for the deluded Alcoholics Anonymous graduate. Lohan’s roles in such critically acclaimed bombs as “I Know Who Killed Me” weren’t able to cover her coke tab and collagen injections, so she’s now looking to spread her dubious sense of style across the globe.

The failed actress recently strutted on the Paris Spring/Summer 2010 catwalk for the Spanish line Emanuel Ungaro, which recently hired Lohan as its new creative director. Whoever thought this Hollywood hot mess has what it takes to create innovative new looks for a European clientele needs to put down the Grey Goose, fast. The newly debuted line — which was equal parts neon overkill and back-alley trashiness — was universally panned by the hoity-toity European fashion press. Sorry Lindz, you may want to focus on strengthening the tacky leggings line you already have in the United States while you attempt to get your shit together.

Lilo’s atrocious new fashion line isn’t the only American-generated debacle that has left the French up in arms. En route to the Zurich Film Festival, director Roman Polanski was recently nabbed by the Swiss po-po, cutting short plans to accept a lifetime achievement award for his Oscar-winning work. Polanksi has been evading authorities since the 1970s, when he ran off to France, where he’s a citizen, to avoid sentencing on allegations that he raped a 13-year-old model. Turns out sex crimes don’t have an expiration date, even when the perp directed “Chinatown.”

While Polanski sits in Swiss custody awaiting extradition to the United States, an array of Hollywood hotshots have come out in favor of the director, including, of all people, Woody Allen. Now I loved “Annie Hall” as much as the next neurotic wannabe New Yorker, but I don’t think that Allen — who caused a stir of his own when he wed his own former girlfriend’s adopted daughter — is the person you want on your side when you’re facing child sex charges. Just some food for thought, Roman.

The ensuing media spectacle spawned by Polanski’s arrest proves one thing hasn’t changed since the 1970s: Americans love themselves a good, old-fashioned sex scandal. Thankfully, the scandal-craving blogosphere was tossed another bone last week when late-night talking head David Letterman admitted on air that a CBS News producer extorted him for $2 million. The producer allegedly had proof that Letterman had — oops! — slept with subordinate employees.

Regardless of whether employer-employee sexual arrangements are unethical or just plain creepy, it’s definitely going to be a whole lot more awkward now whenever Letterman tries to skewer politicians for their own sexual dalliances. Letterman has made a career out of raking public figures over the coals, hitting a high point during the Monica Lewinsky proceedings. Somewhere in rural Alaska, Sarah Palin — who recently got into a very public dispute with the comic after he made crude jokes at the expense of Palin’s knocked-up teenage daughter — is gleefully eating up this latest media shitstorm.

As entertaining as celebrity sex scandals can be, it’s time to move on to another much-discussed dimension of celebreality: relationships! Whether dating, mating or hastily entering ill-thought-out unions that will be annulled before the year’s end, you can always rely on our favorite celebrities to allow us mere mortals to feel a little bit better about our own dating woes.

The latest celebritard to walk down the aisle is Khloe Kardashian. If you don’t know who she is, that’s OK. Her older sister stars in a leaked sex tape and her step-brother has previously hosted his own MTV vehicle called “Bromance” (no, seriously), so naturally she deserves her own E! reality show. Actually, no, two separate E! reality shows. Khloe recently found true love in L.A. Lakers player Lamar Odom, whom she had been dating for one whole month prior to their wedding. It’s never a good sign when you have to reassure “fans” at a press conference that your wedding is not, in fact, a sham. It’s safe to say this one will likely go down in the history books as the quickest trip from the reception party to divorce court.

But enough of this depressing divorce talk; let’s focus on budding — albeit, entirely speculative — relationships among Hollywood’s rising young starlets. To that end: Sorry “Twilight”ers and general British-hottie enthusiasts, but according to the nation’s premiere celebrity trash rags, Robert Pattinson is off the market. Or, at the very least, he’s been spending the majority of his free time sticking his tongue down the throat of fellow “Twilight” star Kristen Stewart. Of course, the two in-demand stars would never play pretend lovers in a PR-generated campaign leading up to November’s highly anticipated (at least in the tween demographic) release of “New Moon.” Nah, that’s just pure cynicism. Regardless of whether RPatt and KStew are actually bumpin’ uglies, their romance — whether real or contrived — is sure to send a surplus of Hot Topic-clad teenager girls into seclusion with tubs of Haagen-Dazs and a mixtape of pop-rock emo hits.

Don’t worry, girls. I hear Justin Timberlake is available. Or at least that’s the latest piece of unverified celebrity gossip.

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