I spoke with my dear friends at the State Department earlier this week and told them I was struggling to conceptualize a column idea. I wanted to write about Iraq, because that seems to be the thing to do these days, but wanted a fresh angle. So the State Department arranged for Saddam Hussein to spend a few days with me here in Ann Arbor. We left Ann Arbor a few times (to Crawford, Tex., the Upper West Side, Guilder and Endor), but for the most part Saddam and I just kind of cruised around campus and around town, having all sorts of misadventures. Some excerpts from various conversations follow, all of which, I think, provide a real insight into the essential Saddam Hussein.

Paul Wong
David Horn Hornography

Guy at keg: Hey can I bum a Camel?

Saddam: Hell, you can bum 400.

Yoda: Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. Anger leads to suffering.

Saddam: Suffering? What do you know about suffering? I hear people in my country wipe with both sides of the toilet paper.

Yoda: Hygienic that can’t be, hmm?

Saddam: The U.S. is going to invade. I need to outfit my troops.

Mr. Allen: 29, two for 50.

Saddam: Don’t even bang unless you plan to hit something!

President George W. Bush: Bombs over Baghdad.

Fozzy Bear: Hey Saddam, I’ve got an uncle in Ireland.

Saddam: Oh really?

Fozzy Bear: No, O’Reilly. Waca Waca Waca.

Saddam: So, you’re Michigan’s long snapper?

Michigan long snapper Joe Sgroi: So, you’re a megalomaniac?

Saddam: Ahh, touch

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