There is something about me, God knows what, that has seen me on the giving end of a great deal of relationship advice. I don”t offer it freely, yet members of the female sex continue to seek it from me, even after I assure them that I know about as much about relationships as the present President Bush knows about Ambassador Olhaye Oudine Roble of Djibouti. Yet they say, “Oh, you”re so nice,” and “You listen so well” and a lot of other annoying things that mean jack squat when you”re sitting on the couch, by yourself, turning up “Saturday Night Live” so you can”t hear your roommate and his girlfriend procreating like jackrabbits on the other side of the wall. So it”s time I came clean: I no longer want any female friends. All this time I”ve been acting like a nice guy and listened to your boo-hoo tales of incomprehensible boyfriends that “can be so great, but” I haven”t given a rat”s ass about it. I”ve been attempting to lure you into a physical relationship. There, I said it.

I”ve had enough of being the “nice friend” and am now shedding my skin to release the inner asshole that has guided my every testosterone-influenced move. To distance myself from my old ways, I will now divulge some of the inanest things my female “friends” have asked me since I somehow inherited the title of “nice guy.” Well, I”m not finishing last any more, so ladies, take out your pencils and I”ll tell you why you have so much trouble getting along with your man.

Here”s a favorite. Some dejected princess comes to me and says she”s been seeing a guy and reached “that stage, yoooou know, where I really like him but I”m not sure if he likes me.” That what? That stage? How many “stages” do you imagine exist in the mind of a man? Hmmm? Two, and one of them is “not having sex.” If that is the stage you are in, and you want to keep the guy, than get the hell out of that stage. Here”s a real shocker, a real headline for you: College Guys Enjoy Orgasms. The more they have, the happier they are. In fact, a surefire sign that a guy really doesn”t like you, is if your relationship is purely physical and he still only calls once every other week. This, quite honestly, is a hint that you”re being used. Not “he”s probably busy,” not “maybe he has problems committing” and certainly not “maybe he wants something less physical.” I”ve given these lines out, with a completely straight face, on several occasions. HA!

Oh, and this one”s a real hoot. When some chick, talking about her boyfriend, tells me that “he”d rather spend time with his friends than he would with me.” Here”s the truth, you”d better sit down. OF COURSE HE LIKES HIS FRIENDS MORE THAN HE LIKES YOU! Good God, friends don”t whine, friends aren”t constantly asking for gifts. Trust me, sitting around, drinking beer, watching football and playing “Goldeneye” is much better than listening to you bitch about how fat you”re getting. And while I”m on the subject, don”t ask me if you”re getting fat. I”m going to lie. Your boyfriend is going to lie. So don”t ask.

Oh, and the Crown Prince of Annoying Things is when you tell me, your good friend that you don”t want to sleep with, that you wish “he” would spend more time with your friends. You just want to co-opt him into your world, taking away any outlet he has to the outside world. The only interest he could possibly have in your friends is if, by chance, he could hook them up with his own friends. This is not in order to spend more time with you, only to subvert the evil empire of estrogen that engulfs him when his pals are not around. “But his friends are ugly and dumb.” What, you hang out with Aphrodite and Ayn Rand?

Okay, I really feel better now. I hope that we”ve learned something here. I have done everything in my power to speak only the truth, and at the risk of generalization, everything I said is true about everyone. So, ladies, hurry out and remind your boyfriends that Valentine”s Day is fast approaching, and I hope that this article has brought you joy and awareness this holiday season.

Lyle Henretty can be reached at lhenrett@umich.edu and is fully prepared to become the most hated man on campus.

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