Rebecca Ramsey: Faking the O: If you do it, you won’t come

Back when I read Cosmopolitan and thought of it as a holy
scripture (now, it is acceptable for a fun horoscope or a
cleavage-enhancing tip every now and then), I would read about
women who magically, as if by chance, had reached orgasm just from
doing “everyday” tasks — traveling by bus while
wearing tight jeans, riding horses, even hopping fences. Having
read such miraculous testimonials, I’ll honestly tell you
that I had high hopes and tried to make the most out of my
experience of living on North Campus freshman year. Sadly, the
multiple bus rides to Central Campus had failed to give me multiple
anythings, let alone an orgasm.

I know, I know. It’s been said all too many times before
— women are much more difficult to please than men are,
sexually speaking. The female body is unfairly designed a bit more
intricately, as we do not have a sensitive appendage hanging
between our legs. Such basic anatomical knowledge is nothing new to
humankind, but so few women are willing to confront it head on, pun
intended.

Furthermore, partner communication rarely extends itself to
covering the topic of mutual satisfaction. We are all too often
afraid to tell our partners what feels good, what successfully
works or how we really like to be pleased. Lying there stiff as a
board and silent is also not an option. Thus, faking an orgasm has
become an integral part of our coital vocabulary.

Without her feigned orgasm in “When Harry Met
Sally,” Meg Ryan would not have immediately reached iconic
status. And without her moaning performance, men everywhere
wouldn’t have started worrying about their abilities in the
bedroom. As a result of this film, both men and women became aware
that sex can lead to insecurities and disappointments aplenty.

I think it is probably safe to say that, when following a
disappointing rendezvous, there is no question more uncomfortable
to hear than “Did that feel good for you?” Although
inside you may scream, “NO! It didn’t feel good;
wasn’t even close,” you don’t want to hurt the
poor guy’s feelings and make him feel like an inadequate
partner. So you grin and bear it all instead. To throw in a few
forced ooh’s, AHH’s and “right
there’s” is to successfully avoid confrontation, as
long as you don’t mind being subjected to unsatisfactory
sex.

A friend of mine claims that her man stubbornly doesn’t
believe that females cannot have an orgasm during sex; that for
women, climaxing is almost inevitable. Unlike many other females,
my friend openly attacks him on his indignant thinking and she has
to lecture him in the bedroom. Amazingly, he sticks firmly to his
beliefs and refuses to believe otherwise. Sadly, he may have been
the recipient of a false climax on many an occasion and is simply
living in denial, or self-indulgence. Girls fake it all the time,
and that’s that.

As a personal rule, I advise against faking orgasms; you are
just wasting time and breath that could be better spent sleeping.
Girls, when you pretend to come, you put yourself in a binding
situation. Basically, if you do it, you will be expected to come
… each and every time you get it on. What’s worse, you
will probably be so focused on your theatrics that your body will
be too distracted to give in to even having an orgasm at all. That,
to me, is a crying shame. The only thing you will be getting is a
partner who thinks he is a sex machine and who expects to gratify
you with every lackluster thrust. You will also have to live with
yourself as a liar.

Girls may also feel obligated to come as a way to display
themselves as good lovers, and maybe they want to show their lovers
that they are capable of being sexually pleased. I hate to break it
to male readers who think they know surefire ways to get a girl
off, but many girls can please themselves more easily on their own
than with a guy’s assistance. Whether with their own hands,
vibrators, heck, even the shower, I know many girls who have had to
give themselves their very first orgasm because they couldn’t
climax with their partners.

However, just because you don’t come at all doesn’t
mean the sex isn’t at all good. Sex can elicit good moans and
feelings no matter how intense. Just being with someone you care
about can be gratifying enough. And sometimes, you just want to
make sure that both you and your partner are having a good time.
One of my housemates admits to faking orgasms because her guys says
he “likes to hear her scream,” and she is pleased
knowing that she has satisfied him.

But instead of practicing to be the next Meryl Streep, lose the
(vagina) monologue and don’t be afraid to tell your partner
what you prefer. Chances are, he will overcome any initial feelings
of inadequacy and eventually appreciate your openness and his
newfound ability to make you quiver. Open bedroom communication
will not only relieve you from awkward situations, but it will also
allow your relations to progress to more pleasurable and exciting
levels. But if you are too shy to speak up, take a ride on the bus.
I’ve just given up my seat.

— Rebecca hopes her parents aren’t reading this
column. However, she welcomes comments from her adoring fans.
Contact her at
“mailto:ramseyr@umich.edu”>ramseyr@umich.edu.