A disclaimer for readers: This column may offend some people,
but due to popular demand and much discussion (and maybe even some
coaxing), it has been brought to my attention that this column
really needs to be written.
Many a Sunday morning I have risen from my bedroom, joined my
housemates at our table and drank three cups of coffee, all the
while discussing an issue that plagues this campus: The Michigan
Hookup. Also known as man’s best friend, giving head, going
down and other terminology that I shall never put into print, I am
talking about the blow job.
Did you know that our school has its own trademarked hookup?
Well, it does. Dubbed TMH by a very astute friend of mine, who also
happens to have a good reputation, I’m sure that many of you
will vouch for me and willingly admit that when a hookup situation
takes place, it usually consists of a trip down south on a guy.
What’s the big deal about this so-called phenomenon, you
ask? Put it this way: While a lot of girls really enjoy giving blow
jobs, a lot of girls despise them and really do perceive them as
chores. The fact of the matter is that although some people hate
heading down there, many of them still opt to do so because they
feel obligated to please a partner.
Perpetuating yet another “everyone’s doing it”
situation, TMH seems to be so pervasive because, well, we assume
that everyone really is doing it. As some would say, TMH is the
happy medium of hooking up — this is due in part to the
notion that the hand jobs of yore are passé (a male friend
says that he himself can do better manually: “Nothing
impressive to me about a kung fu grip”) and that intercourse
can be too extreme for a hookup. The blow job seems to be a
surefire way to please a guy, given that you know what you’re
Furthermore, TMH can occur because people see it as a safer
sexual act. It is a common misconception that blow jobs provide
pleasure without the risks brought up pertaining to sex. Sure,
while TMH does not result in unwanted pregnancy, sexually
transmitted diseases can be spread just as easily as through
That said and really not being news to many students, I think it
is safe to say that after nearly four years of being a student
here, TMH isn’t going to disappear and become an urban
legend. It is here to stay and thus, if we are going to do it, we
should make it as enjoyable of an experience as it can possibly be,
for both the recipient and giver.
For starters, both parties need to ensure that they are
comfortable before they proceed with the deed. Then, a word to the
wisest of recipients: There are codes of conduct that should be
followed so that you remain a respectable partner. I am not making
this up on the spot — I am actually relaying messages from
experienced givers who deserve to be heard.
Recipients should not, I repeat, not commit one of the following
moves when being orally honored: They should not just unzip, sit
back and relax. Instead, they should allow their partners to ease
up and make the move down there, if that is desired. Recipients
also shall not use their hands to guide the head of the giver. This
is an absolute no-no, as it pressures the giving party to continue
at an unnatural and awkward pace.
The key is to enjoy the experience, regardless of what role you
are in. This should not be an insulting situation, and if you are
going to just fall asleep right after you’ve finished, you
might as well stick to your right hand.
As for the giver, it is your necessary right to speak up. If you
have a preference about receiving the climax, then speak up
beforehand because it is your decision. I know it’s graphic,
but if you stop in the middle of the act, you may only have to be
down there longer or risk a dreaded money shot.
And so I do not sound anti-recipient, givers should also aim to
please, whether it means keeping the saliva flow up, varying depth,
or “minding the stepchildren” (I can’t believe
that Andy Dick can be helpful in this column, but it’s true).
It is supposed to be fun. A recipient does not want to feel as if
they have committed something that their partner did not want to
This leads me to the important concept of reciprocation, a
concept that is somewhat foreign to The Michigan Hookup.
Reciprocation does not necessarily need to occur right after a blow
job, but it should occur at some point. So many girls complain that
they are not pleased in a reciprocal fashion, and that to me is
unjust. Equal opportunity in the bedroom is a fabulous idea —
imperative some would argue — and we need to get over any
qualms that prevent us from satisfying one another.
Our school is popular for many things: athletics, academics,
Zingerman’s … and now, as it seems, a popular, tried
and true sexual act. It is a completely independent decision to
embrace our University heritage, and as we are told while growing
up, maybe we really should appreciate our oral tradition.