We owe you all an apology. The cohesive entity that is “Lisa and Lyle” failed you, our wonderful readers. We made a boo-boo, an error, a “mistake,” if you will: We did not include our e-mail address at the end of our column last week.
We promise that this was not an attempt to ignore you and your valuable opinion: Rather, it was an oversight caught neither by us nor our editors (lovely and talented people that they are). To compensate, we will include our e-mail address twice in this column. Once right here (firstname.lastname@example.org), and once again at the end. Hell, we might even intersperse our address randomly throughout the column. We feel that badly about the situation.
On to the questions! Despite a seeming lack of resources to be utilized in your quest to contact us, you pulled through, faithful reader. For this, we thank you.
Dear Lyle and Lisa,
I”m interested in knowing why Lyle feels the need to be an asshole in his column. I realize he”s “fully prepared to be the most hated man on campus” but why does he feel the need to become this person? I could really care less either way, but I think his desire to be this person is detracting from the quality of the column.
Disgruntled in West Quad
Lisa: Uhhhhh … Lyle, I”m going to hand this bad boy right on over to you. Oh, you want me to answer it? Twist my arm. Okay, here goes. I would now like to declare to all the world that Lyle is not actually an asshole. He”s a really nice guy. Truth be told, I would not want to write a column with him if he was as much of a jerk in real life as he appears to be in his reponses. Lyle is interested, as are many creative people, in the idea of having a “persona.” He is also interested in Tony Danza, long walks on the beach and the teen pop sensation that is “Hanson.”
Lyle: Detracting from the quality of the column? What column are you reading, exactly? The quality of this column has, to date, been somewhere between the quality of spoiled milk and really spoiled milk. It”s not that I desire to be the most hated man on campus, but if my honest answers and the harsh realizations that I force people to see cause me to be so, then fine. Really, it”s a positive thing to make sure that I don”t end up hating myself. I love being positive. And Disgruntled, you sound kinda sexy. I like my women fiesty. Why don”t you e-mail me sometime, and we can work something out.
Dear Lyle and Lisa,
Help! The ratio of oral sex on my boyfriend to oral sex on me is practically 20 to 1. Some men have told me I”m just not meeting the right guys, but I really like my boyfriend. What can I do to “even the score?” Send help quickly,
Unsatisfied in South Quad
Lisa: If I were you, I would simply tell your boyfriend “You don”t satisfy me.” If he is even remotely worthwhile, that should get his attention. From there, explain (or spell out using large, boldfaced letters) exactly why he doesn”t satisfy you. If he is unresponsive, enact what I”d affectionately like to call a “booty embargo.” Don”t do him any favors, if you get what I mean, until he gives you what you want at an acceptable ratio.
Lyle: Okay, to be honest, if you tell him that he does not satisfy you, you will get nothing more than a blank stare and a befuddled “so?” Let me suggest the more direct approach, maybe hitting him over the head with a chair and yelling “Give me oral sex on a regular basis!” If that doesn”t work, try drawing him a picture, or possibly just repeating the same things at a louder decibel level. Witholding oral sex won”t work. It”s like punishing a dog hours after the fact, he”ll have no clue what he”s being punished for.
Dear Lyle and Lisa,
My boyfriend wants me to “do it,” but I”m not sure if I want to we have not been dating for very long. Should I “do it” or not? I am desperate for advice!
Perplexed behind what used to be Taco Bell
Lisa: If by “do it” you mean what I “think you mean” then I would say “yes, definitely.” But if by “do it” you mean “have sex,” I would say “no, definitely not” (and did I mention that our e-mail adress is email@example.com?).
Lyle: What exactly, Lisa, do you think she means? Never mind, I don”t want to know. If you still call that act “doing it” then wait until you”re able to say the word, or at least write it into a letter.
Lyle & Lisa are done for now, but keep writing to firstname.lastname@example.org if you”d like to see your pseudonym in print.