The Michigan Daily: Hello, is Hugh around?
TMD: Hi, I’m a reporter from the Daily; you’ve been selected to participate in this week’s Random Student Interview. Those lovable guys over at the Michigan Review decided to run their own version, but apparently, did not drink their funny juice that morning. So, we’re back with the real deal. Are you in?
R: Yeah, for sure; that sounds great.
TMD: Let’s go then. What do you think of people who pull the fire alarm in dorms late at night, thereby forcing innocent, sleep-deprived students to shuffle out into the freezing cold?
R: That’s a pretty dishonorable thing to do.
TMD: Damn right it is. People like that should be cut into little pieces with blunt knives.
(To that person, who committed the aforementioned atrocity last night – I hate you with a burning passion. Go walk in front of a bus.)
R: Wow, you’re pretty pissed.
TMD: Yup. I’m a chronic insomniac. Sympathize.
What do you think of girls who, while talking on their cellies and attempting to parallel park, hit the cars both in front and back of theirs? You can see that I’m in ranting mode.
R: What sorority were they in?
TMD: Ooh, that’s a burn! But sorta unfair, eh? I have very close friends in sororities. Anyhoo, speaking of burns, have you experienced the burn that keeps on burning?
R: What burn would that be?
TMD: The burn … you know? No, I guess you don’t; nevermind.
Are you proud of your happy trail?
R: Not really. It ends before it goes up my belly button.
TMD: Ah. Are you a whore or a slut?
R: More a slut.
TMD: How often do you pick your nose?
R: Nightly, when I’m in private.
TMD: Do you think there are limits in the province of the mind?
R: That’s a deep one. No, I suppose not.
TMD: What do you feel is the least legitimate concentration at this university?
TMD: Interesting … why do you say that?
R: Because people who major in it can pick that stuff up on their own. Plus, they’re just learning about greed.
TMD: Fair enough.
Describe the implications of cheating on an ethics exam.
R: Aside from being funnier, I don’t see it as different from cheating on any other exam.
TMD: Did you observe Buy Nothing Day after Thanksgiving this year?
R: Was that last Friday? I guess not; I bought CDs.
TMD: Why do you think Michigan is regarded as being populated by gluttonous people?
R: Hmm. Maybe it’s because they have nothing to do in the winter but eat.
TMD: Have you ever presented your patronage at an opium den?
R: Do they still exist? Where are they at?
TMD: You sound excited about that prospect.
Do you wish you were a Merry Prankster?
R: I already am one.
TMD: Have you ever thrown spaghetti against a wall?
TMD: Have you ever whipped anyone with a wet noodle?
R: I wish. It sounds like fun.
TMD: Indeed. How would you react if your best friend told you your mom was a “milf?”
R: I’d be like “whatever.”
TMD: I love haikus. Compose one on the spot. Go.
R: How are they formed again?
TMD: Three lines. Five syllables, seven, five.
R: OK …
(Hum-dee-dum-dum. 12.48 minutes elapse.)
R: Here goes:
Someone made stinky
I think it’s you; get away
You must buy Huggies.
TMD: Somewhat bizarre, but oddly beautiful. Nice job.
Well, that’s all I have for ya. Thanks a lot, man.
R: Yeah, no problem. That was pretty cool. So, my words are actually going to be in the Daily this week?
TMD: Yes, very much so. Ciao.