R: Hello?

TMD: Hi, I’m from The Michigan Daily and you’ve been selected to take the Random Student Interview.

R: Haha, really?

TMD: Yeah, I’m dead serious. Are you psyched?

R: Yeah, that’s cool.

TMD: All right, let’s go. So who’s your favorite X-Man?

R: Wolverine.

TMD: Wolverine? Whoa, girl after my own heart. Good choice, well done. So whose boobs are you more likely to see at the Super Bowl: Janet Jackson or Tony Siragusa?

R: Well, we already saw Janet Jackson ,and I don’t know who Tony Siragusa is.

TMD: He’s this really overweight guy who does commentary for Fox Sports, and sometimes he runs from sideline to sideline, and we get a little man-boob jiggle. I wasn’t sure if we might see his. I’m kind of gunning for it. So what was your New Year’s resolution?

R: I didn’t have one.

TMD: Why not?

R: I think it’s stupid.

TMD: You’re not the first person to say that tonight. Have you ever tried to make one?

R: Not that I can recall.

TMD: Talk about your New Year’s. What did you do?

R: What did I do? I went to dinner, and then I saw “Ocean’s Twelve.”

TMD: That’s like the most boring New Year’s I’ve ever heard of in my life.

R: Yeah, I’m from a small town.

TMD: What’s the small town like?

R: A general store, a gas station and a post office. That’s about it.

TMD: Are there like drunken old farmers sitting outside the general store murmuring about the crops and general weather activities?

R: Not at this point.

TMD: All right. So what’s the better CCR song: “Fortunate Son” or “Bad Moon Rising?”

R: CCR?

TMD: Credence Clearwater Revival.

R: Oh, “Bad Moon Rising.”

TMD: You are two for two young lady. You are just winning this interviewer’s heart. Speaking of which, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Tell me about the last awkward first date you went on. Set the scene for us.

R: Well, we were in a park, and we were walking, and we sat out on a blanket, and we started to kiss, and this dog came up and started licking us.

TMD: Really?

R: Yeah, it was pretty gross.

TMD: Now was the dog a better kisser than the boy?

R: Haha, I don’t know. His tongue missed my mouth so I couldn’t really say.

TMD: Whoa! This is G-rated, kid. What are you doing?

R: The dog, I was talking about.

TMD: I don’t even want to get into that. Lies! Do you expect Valentine’s Day gifts from every guy you know or just if you’re dating somebody?

R: Just dating.

TMD: Now what would you give a boy for Valentine’s Day?

R: Oh god, I don’t know. It’s too hard to shop for boys.

TMD: Why?

R: I don’t know. If you’re shopping for a girl you can just get them hand lotion or something.

TMD: You can’t give a guy hand lotion? Why not?

R: They don’t use it.

TMD: The guys I know use it.

R: Oh, god. I don’t want them using it for that.

TMD: You’re just too pure of heart to give a gift like that. What would you do if someone gave you a book filled with sex tips. Urban Outfitters, in a move to be trendy, has a lot of sex books.

R: I would use it.

TMD: You would use the sex tips? But wouldn’t you be offended that someone would think you would need them?

R: No.

TMD: Wouldn’t that be like giving Michael Jordan a book on how to play basketball.

R: Yeah, but I’m not the Michael Jordan of sex.

TMD: Well, you liked Wolverine, so you had me fooled. So tell me about your hall: What’s it like?

R: I live in Martha Cook, so it’s pretty quiet.

TMD: Are you the hellraiser?

R: Not really.

TMD: Describe the personalities. Who’s the crazy foreigner … is the RA drunk and high all the time?

R: No, she’s not. She’s really nice.

TMD: Oh, that’s wonderful. Well, I just talked to her and she said she doesn’t really like you that much. Bummer. What’s the capital of Sweden?

R: Stockholm.

TMD: Holy shenanigans. We have called multiple people and you’re the first person to get that right. Secretary General of the United Nations?

R: Kofi Annan.

TMD: What are you doing on Saturday?

R: Haha.

TMD: There are guys, really nerdy geography majors, with their hearts palpitating in the room right now. Name three countries that were created after the fall of the U.S.S.R.

R: Let’s see. Um … Kazakhstan, Ukraine and Estonia.

TMD: I think we just found the girl who got 1600 on her SATs.

R: I didn’t.

TMD: You didn’t? Well, you could have fooled me. Spring break sex: What happens in Cabo stays in Cabo or what happens in Cabo becomes a burning discharge two weeks later?

R: Hmmm … it depends on who you sleep with.

TMD: So what you’re saying is that beggars can’t be choosers in Cabo?

R: Sure.

TMD: What are your plans for Spring Break? What about Kazakhstan?

R: Haha, I don’t think so.

TMD: Why not?

R: I don’t speak the language, and it’s cold.

TMD: Excellent point after excellent point. What’s more depressing: the emo kids with really long bangs who keep bitching about their ex-girlfriends or the bag ladies who ask you for your trash.

R: Bag ladies.

TMD: Why?

R: It’s just sad. They can’t help it. With the emo kids, it’s a choice.

TMD: So you think the emo kids choose to be really sucky and lame.

R: Well no, but … I guess they do, don’t they?

TMD: Yep, we’re on the same wavelength here. Just can’t seem to get over that one person. It’s like my ex-girlfriend who won’t stop calling me.

R: That’s sad.

TMD: Women be crazy. Except you. You knew where Kazakhstan was, and that was very impressive. One last question, and this is for $100 million, and if you get this right, I think you’ll be the smartest person I think we’ve ever interviewed in the history of the Michigan Random Daily … Interview … history … Daily. Can you tell me the newest country in Southeast Asia? What country was founded in our lifetime?

R: Um, East Timor?

TMD: Holy crap, that’s the correct answer. I honestly thought that you wouldn’t get that. Well, I am impressed, and I’m sure everyone else will think that when they read this on Thursday.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.