TMD: Hello, is Jennifer there?

R: This is her.

TMD: Hey, you’ve been selected for The Michigan Daily Random Student Interview for Weekend Magazine. Do you got some time?

R: Um … yeah.

TMD: So what was the better magazine: Teen Bop or Tiger Beat?

R: Um … I don’t really know of either of them, actually.

TMD: Well, like, Tiger Beat used to have really sweet photos of JTT and the cast of “Full House,” circa fourth grade.

R: Haha, I’d have to go with Teen Bop since that’s the only one I knew.

TMD: So Valentine’s Day is coming up. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

R: Let’s see. Actually, I was set up with somebody, and we went to the movies, and I didn’t really like him that much, and he kept trying to hold my hand during the movies.

TMD: Gross.

R: And I kept turning away, and then he tried to kiss me when I got in the car, and I turned my head away from him, and it was really awkward.

TMD: Did he try the yawn-and-stretch?

R: I don’t remember, but it was pretty weird sitting there.

TMD: What was this guy’s deal? Was he like super-busted or really lame?

R: He was boring and lame, yeah. He was a friend of one of my friends.

TMD: So he’ll be an accountant in 20 years. What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?

R: I think I’m going to dinner with my boyfriend. I’m not sure, though.

TMD: Oh, the BF. Sounds sweet. So what would you rather have your boyfriend do: write you a sonnet, read a famous sonnet or make a really sappy John Mayer-esque song and sing it outside your window?

R: Write me a sonnet.

TMD: What if he’s a really bad writer?

R: I would still have him write because his voice is terrible.

TMD: Oh, his voice is terrible. Wow.

R: He can’t really sing.

TMD: You better really hope he doesn’t read this. Let’s be honest: what celebrity would you most want to get with on Valentine’s Day?

R: Um … Adam Brody from “The O.C.”

TMD: Ah, interesting. How come?

R: Well, he’s like so cute on the show and it would be fun to like hang out with him because he’s really funny. I heard that in real life he is pretty funny so it’d be a fun date.

TMD: Fair enough. Do you ever take dating tips from Cosmo or Seventeen?

R: I’ve read them, but not usually. Occasionally, though.

TMD: What do you think about girls who treat them like the Bible and just do everything they say inside?

R: Basically, it doesn’t work and they are worse off then they were originally.

TMD: OK, so it’s sort of setting girls back a little bit.

R: Yeah.

TMD: What would you do if Cosmo had something like “rub yourself with peanut butter before you meet you date” and your best friend was like “oh my God, that’s going to work so totally well.” Would you tell her not to or would you let her screw up on her own?

R: Um, can you repeat that?

TMD: This isn’t a spelling bee, kid. You gotta stay on top of this.

R: Well, someone was calling so the phone broke up.

TMD: Well, let’s say Cosmo had a tip like “rub yourself with peanut butter and jump in a wolf’s den at a zoo before you meet your date” and your friend read this. Would you tell them to stop or would you let them go on their own devices?

R: I would probably let them go and then laugh at them because it would be really funny.

TMD: So you would let your friend jump into a wolf pit?

R: Yeah, if that’s what they want to do. I would just laugh at them.

TMD: You sound like a pretty good Libertarian. All right, what commercial celebrity is hotter: Mr. Clean, the Pillsbury Doughboy or Count Chocula.

R: Pillsbury Doughboy.

TMD: Do you like them with a little bit of cushion — little bit of girth?

R: Yeah, you just want to like poke his belly. He’s so cute.

TMD: Would you say that constitutes foreplay with your boyfriend? Poking his belly?

R: Haha, no. He’s like really thin, so he doesn’t really has a belly.

TMD: When you poke your boyfriend’s belly, does he giggle?

R: Yeah, he’s really ticklish.

TMD: OK, so who wears the pants in this whole deal? He’s really skinny … you kind of have a crush on Adam Brody … your boyfriend giggles a lot … is there anything he’s not telling you? Have you seen “The Crying Game?”

R: “The Crying Game?”

TMD: Yeah. Never mind. Would you ever wear a skirt to impress your boyfriend? Like hypothetically, if he said you looked really hot in a skirt, would you?

R: Yeah.

TMD: What if it’s a Catholic schoolgirl uniform?

R: Yeah, but it would depend on where we were going.

TMD: What if he wanted you to dress up like a priest, and he said he had some “confessions” he needed to tell you?

R: I don’t know about that one. That’s a little weird.

TMD: What if it turned out he was just going to do a show-stopping rendition of all the songs off of Usher’s hit album Confessions?

R: Haha, I don’t know. Probably not.

TMD: All right, that’s fair. So when your boyfriend makes a move, what does he normally do? Does he kiss you, put his arm around you, turns to you and is like, “Hey, time to have the sex!”

R: Haha, usually, we both know when we want to.

TMD: So it’s sort of a form of telepathy.

R: A form of what?

TMD: Telepathy. It’s when two people communicate using their minds exclusively.

R: Yeah, I guess you could say that.

TMD: So would you call your boyfriend the Swami of getting it on?

R: Hahaha, maybe, if that’s how you want to put it.

TMD: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever said when you were making out with your boyfriend? Like something along the lines of “Who’s your daddy?” or “My favorite President is Harriet Tubman.”

R: Well, the first time we hooked up, I said to him, “Now, what do I get?”

TMD: Well, you know what? No, no no, that’s honest and that’s respectable. My hat’s off to you, Jennifer. You gotta get yours. Lil’ Kim would be proud, honestly. You are resurrecting feminism with each time you make out with your boyfriend. OK, finish the analogy: Love is like a box of chocolates, love is like a storm drain or love is like a hurricane.

R: Um, I don’t know. What was the middle one?

TMD: Love is like a storm drain.

R: Oh, storm drain. I guess love is like a box of chocolates. It’s not a hurricane or else you wouldn’t stay with them.

TMD: But hurricanes come all hot and wet.

R: I’d say a box of chocolates.

TMD: OK, I got another question for you. What’s the capital of Sierra Leone? It’s a country in West Africa.

R: I don’t know.

TMD: OK, that’s fair. Can you name three countries in Southeast Asia, with Southeast Asia being defined as east of India and south of China.

R: Um … Thailand, Vietnam and Hong Kong?

TMD: Hong Kong was actually a principality until it became part of China so it’s now technically a special economic zone. I’ll give you partial credit.

R: What is this for again?

TMD: The Michigan Daily Random Student Interview for Weekend Magazine. One last question: what song do you think best exemplifies Valentine’s Day?

R: Um … maybe like … I don’t know, sorry.

TMD: Interesting. I’ll give you another question: What U.S. senator do you think best exemplifies Valentine’s Day?

R: No senator.

TMD: What about that guy who was going to run for senator in Illinois and he took his wife to a sex club? That’s pretty hot.

R: I don’t know that much about him. I don’t know that many senators.

TMD: Do you know the senators from your state?

R: Um … I know one of them.

TMD: OK, who’s the vice president right now?

R: Dick Cheney.

TMD: OK, excellent. Well, have a great Valentine’s Day. Thanks for your time.

R: Thank you.

 

 

 

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