Random: Hello?The Michigan Daily: Hey! I’ve got fantastic news. You’ve been selected to do the Random Student Interview for The Michigan Daily Weekend Magazine.R: Are you serious?TMD: Yeah! You got like five minutes or what?R: Yeah, I do.TMD: Fantastic. So how’s it going?R: It’s going great.TMD: Classes? How are they treating you? What year are you?’R: I’m a sophomore.TMD: Oh, dazzling. So did you go to the Rose Bowl or watch it at all?R: I watched it on TV. I was really sad that Michigan lost.TMD: Why were you sad?R: Because I thought we should have won and we played really well until the end.TMD: But we lost.R: I know we lost.TMD: So wasn’t that whole playing well thing more of a spectacular failure?R: I guess.TMD: Ok, fair enough. So how do you feel about people who scream in the cafeteria?R: Like in college or in high school?TMD: We’re looking for a college kid. Like have you ever seen any awkward kids in West Quad screaming Lil’ Jon catchphrases at the top of his lungs?R: Um…no.TMD: Well, you should make an appointment to hang out there. It’s pretty sweet. So Michael Phelps: Huge-eared freak with a goofy smile or a potential beer pong partner? You choose.R: Potential beer pong partner.TMD: Do you think he’d use those long freakish arms to help you win or do you think his gold medals would accidentally knock over all the cups, causing a party foul?R: I think he’d help me win by chugging all the beer. I think he’d be really good, considering the DUI and all that.TMD: That’s an excellent point. He does enjoy the drink. So who’s hotter: Jessica Alba or Gertrude Stein?R: I don’t know who Gertrude Stein is?TMD: She’s like one of the most famous modernist poets ever. She’s really hot.R: I have no idea who that is.TMD: You know poetry? Like people write things in verse?R: I’m an engineer.TMD: So I guess letters aren’t really your friend.R: No, they are. I’m in English, too.TMD: Oh, that’s good. So what’s your favorite position?R: Excuse me?TMD: Favorite position.R: Like … in sports?TMD: Just favorite position.R: I don’t know. I played center field all throughout high school.TMD: What sport?R: Softball.TMD: That’s just super. What was your batting average?R: Somewhere around .300.TMD: Wow, you’d be in the Hall of Fame.R: I was OK.TMD: Did you hear about the orangutan that was loose in Angell Hall?R: No, I didn’t. That’s cool though.TMD: I was talking to some News kids and they said there was a physical anthropology professor and he was taking down some samples and he had an orangutan in a cage and it broke out of his car and like ran into Angell Hall. So now professors are telling people not to eat any bananas or pungent fruit because the orangutan is loose in the heat vents, and, if it smells the fruit, it might drop out of the vent and possibly get into all these mischievous adventures and take your banana.R: Haha, that’s really funny.TMD: Do you think you’re going to rearrange your schedule based on this loose orangutan?R: I’d like to see it, but I don’t have any classes on Central Campus.TMD: If you could give the orangutan a name, what would it be?R: Um … I’d call it Orange.TMD: Orange? Wow, you are an engineer. Not a lot of creativity.R: Because of like orange … orangutan.TMD: Shouldn’t you be like building a bridge or something?R: Well, I could build a device to find the orangutan.TMD: Whoa! Why don’t you get right on that?R: Maybe I should.TMD: So who’s your favorite Greco-Roman deity?R: Greco-Roman what?TMD: Deity. It’s also a god. They’re a level above humans and usually have omnipotent powers.R: Oh. Does it have to be a guy or a girl? Because I always say Zeus.TMD: No, that’s great. So who do you think would win in a fight: Marlin Jackson or Zeus?R: Marlin Jackson because he goes to Michigan.TMD: But Zeus throws lightning bolts and he’s the father of all the gods.R: If he started throwing lightning bolts then it would be close, but I’d still say Marlin Jackson.TMD: Sound like you’re really happy to go here.R: I do. I love it here. I’m in the marching band, too.TMD: That’s fantastic. So’s my roommate. You guys should go out some time. He’s tall and awkward and he wears glasses and he doesn’t get out a lot. That’s pretty unique in the marching band, right?R: Yeah…TMD: OK, what’s cooler: Ugg boots or porn?R: Ugg boots?TMD: Why?R: Because I like to wear Ugg boots.TMD: So you’re not into wearing porn?R: Haha, no.TMD: Are Uggs the new porn?R: No, I’m happy when I wear them.TMD: That’s fantastic. So what would you do if your dad said something that was really sexually charged, like if he said he was going to “skeet, skeet” over dinner. Would you correct him or just grimace and let it slide?R: I don’t know. I think I would probably let it slide.TMD: OK, last question. Give me a cheap, low-budget porn scenario that’s completely unique to the University of Michigan — like could happen anywhere on campus. Now I don’t want you to be foul — this is a family paper. I just want the lead-up.R: Hmmm … well, I really want to meet Michael Phelps, and I’d like to meet the quarterback … Chad Henne, so I think it would be a girl’s fantasy to be with both of them at the same time on the football field.TMD: Well, all I have to say to that is “Go Blue!” So as a joke, do you think people call Chad Henne “Chad Penne” and then call him “Pasta Boy?”R: No, that’s not that funny.TMD: Do you think they might call him Chad Penne and then told him to put some marinara sauce on that? That’s a pretty good comeback, right?R: Haha, I think that’s really nerdy.TMD: My mom said it was cool!R: Sure.TMD: Well, you’re clearly too cool for me. Thanks for doing this. Look for it in Weekend Magazine.R: OK, thank you.TMD: Bye.

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