Welcome to the Random Student Interview, where we talk about sex for twice as long as it lasts.
OK, so we’re only going to print your first name, so be as candid as possible. What is it, by the way?
Westley? That’s the main character’s name from one of my favorite movies, “The Princess Bride.”
“The Princess Bride” is my favorite movie as well! Because I’m in it.
I can see that. You’ve even got the flowy blonde hair going! Sexy.
All right. Speaking of sexy, I wanna talk about sex for two minutes, which is longer than most people have sex, I think. So, what’s your most embarrassing sex story?
Most embarrassing sex story … I guess I’d just have to say my girlfriend’s mom walking in on me and her. It was pretty terrible.
Oh gosh. At what point during the coitus was this walking in on?
Um … this is graphic. Can I be graphic?
Yeah! No one is going to know it’s you! It could be any Westley.
There’s only a couple Westleys. I know for a fact there’s only two or three others at this school, but it’s OK.
OK. Go on then.
We were both just naked on her bed and she walked … she walked completely in the room. She didn’t knock. She walked in the room and it wasn’t a big room.
Oh. Intimate setting.
It was a cozy moment for us three.
Oh gosh, that’s horrible. So, on to better sexy topics. Another question a lot of people ask, if you could have sex with anyone in the world, who would it be and why?
Gosh, you’re asking tough questions.
They’re tough? You mean guys don’t just think of this shit all the time? You’re supposed to be prepared to answer these kinds of questions.
How about … Jessica Alba.
Yes. Jessica Alba. Why? Or should I say, why not?
She’s hot. And she looks phenomenal in a bathing suit in “Into the Blue.”
Nice. Don’t borrow Westley’s copy of “Into the Blue”. OK, so I’ve forgotten my other question during all this sex talk … So what do you think is the weirdest sex story you’ve heard?
Well, one of my friends told me about a four-way he did with two other guys and a girl. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. It revolted me in several ways.
Was he, like, bragging about it?
No, he was just … I don’t know! We were talking about it at hockey practice and he was just like, “Yeah, we just did it because we thought it’d be a good story.” And I was like, “that’s a terrible reason!”
Yeah, I mean he could’ve just made it up if he was looking for a story. That’s what everybody else does; they pretend to have the sex.
That’s what I told him. Don’t actually do that. Gosh. The details were graphic and weird and I’m not going to get into them so as to save you the awkwardness.
Well, I thank you for that, and my readership thanks you for that. I hope you get laid this weekend.
—Westley is an LSA freshman.