Welcome to the Random Student Interview, an exercise in existentialism in which the solution is always undefined. Please state your name and class standing for the record.

Lauren, and I’m a junior. [LSA]

Why do you think most women fail to shave their upper lip?

Because they don’t have a razor. Or the hair to do so.

But women do have a micro-mustache that is especially apparent in harsh sunlight, correct?

But it’s peach fuzz. It doesn’t count. Right?

Wrong. In what situation, if any, is it acceptable to ask a woman to shave the peach fuzz?

You have to be dating for at least three days.

Do you believe in diversity?

Yes.

Have you ever joined in on one of those ethnic dance groups that practice late at night in Angell?

No.

Are you sure you believe in diversity?

I’ve watched them and applauded them and admired their moves. Does that count?

Not at all. How much sexual harassment is TOO much sexual harassment?

On a scale of one to ten? Seven.

What would be a six on your scale?

Any sexual harassment is inappropriate.

What kind of first name makes you not want to date a person who is otherwise exemplary in looks and personality?

Just their name?

Such as Harold, Pubert, Earnest –

Earnest is okay, because Hemingway is cool. Mmm (thinking), I’m going to go Milford.

Are you going to vote for the nerd or the guy with the funny name?

The nerd.

Is that how you characterize him?

Well, no, but you did it.

You could have said Rick Snyder.

Nerds make better lovers.

Do you want the governor to be a good lover or do you want him to make love to the economy, so to speak?

Only to his wife and the economy.

Do you picture God as a white man or just a man?

I don’t picture him having gender.

But you just said “him.”

No, I said, “em,” like “them,” you know?

Oh, so you’re a polytheist?

No, no, I’m just clarifying.

What happens after we die?

It depends. Me, I’m going to heaven. You, since you’re playing mind games with me, I’m going to throw you in purgatory.

Do you think many serious discussions among people our age break down into absurd jokes because of nihilism or the desperation to be funny or both?

Both, because it depends on –

Let me stop you right there. What did one plate say to the other?

I have no idea.

“Lunch is on me.” Do you think people who participate in No Shave November should be honored or high-fived or both?

Depends if they can pull it off.

What about me? I actually stopped shaving in August, but I’m going to continue not shaving throughout this month.

I think so far you’re handling it well. So far so good.

80’s music: great or the greatest?

Great.

How important is personality when choosing to hook up with someone?

Probably not at all.

We’ve heard a lot about gay marriage, but what about bisexual marriage?

Can you marry a person from each sex? I think that would be illegal.

But should it be illegal?

No.

Interesting. What was the dumbest Halloween costume you saw?

There were too many “Jersey Shore” people.

Do you think people who go to the University of Michigan should watch such trashy TV?

Yes. We need a break from our curriculum, which is too difficult. We need to watch someone just completely ridiculous to be, like, “Wow, because I go to the University of Michigan I will not end up like that.”

Many people think that what with the snow and the voting, November is the absolute worth month. Please share your most painful memory of November.

This conversation.

Who is Jake Smilovitz?

(Silence.)

He’s the editor-in-chief of the Daily. How many times have you read the Daily?

Zero. No, once! Orientation, freshman year.

Do you know where to find it?

Oh, it’s everywhere. Or in the garbage.

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