Hi, This is the Random Student Interview, in which we attempt to gauge the tragedy of the human condition. Please state your name and class standing for the record.

I’m Molly and I’m a sophomore and I’m majoring in Poly Sci.

What do you look for in a partner if they’re ugly to begin with? What sort of values?

I guess just friendliness…a sense of humor.

Maybe money? You know, for plastic surgery?

Not really.

Have you ever felt the urge to slap people who fall asleep in the library, and if so, why?

No, because they probably need the sleep.

But isn’t it awful when their mouths just hang open like it’s nobody’s business?

I try not to look. I’ve seen homeless people sleeping in the library before.

Have you noticed the chalk messages on sidewalks recently? Messages like, “You are loved” and “It’s going to get better”? Do you feel loved and do you think it’s going to get better?

Actually, I write a lot of those for DORAK (Do Random Acts of Kindness).

Do you think they might make a person depressed, say, if they’re not actually loved?

No. I think they always put a smile on people’s faces. I don’t know if anybody is not loved.

Well, Hitler. Moving on, it’s thought that if an obnoxiously large –

Wait, what? There are flames out there! (Motions to Diag.)

Do you take ADD medication?

I should. I’m just heavily caffeinated.

It’s thought that if an obnoxiously large asteroid hadn’t wiped out the dinosaurs sixty-five million years ago, we wouldn’t exist. From this perspective, is it possible for you to take life seriously?

Yeah…uh…yes.

Why don’t you think it was mentioned in the Bible, though?

(Pensive.) I don’t know.

Do you think we should keep old people around, or just kind of move them somewhere to free up space?

Yeah, they teach us a lot. They’re kind of wise, people say.

Do they add anything to society, though? Medical costs, I guess. You’re a political science major, would it be political suicide or perhaps revolutionary to save costs by cutting old people?

No, I don’t think people would go for that, no.

Shouldn’t the University increase admissions of left-handed students if they want to remain “diverse”?

I guess there should probably be an equal…an equal…

Equal rights?

Yeah. I’m left-handed, actually.

Right. When you interview for jobs they probably screen you, you know, for being left-handed –

Affirmative action.

Well, that’s race. But how many extra points should left-handed people get in the admissions process?

Like, on a scale of one to ten? Five.

Five? Pretty arbitrary. Moving on, what campus group do you think we could do away with? What about the Squirrel Club?

Oh yeah, we can do without that.

They don’t do anything of value, do they? They’re like the mosquito of campus groups.

They don’t need to be feeding squirrels.

There’s Glee Club, too.

No, I like glee club. “Glee” is on tonight.

I don’t watch TV.

You’ve never heard of “Glee”?

I’ll ask the questions. Do you think that big orange statue thing outside of Angell needs to be melted down and sold for profit?

Yes. It looks really bad. I’ve heard that it’s supposed to spell “Art.” Is that true?

Looks like it spells “X” to me. In ten words or less, tell me how we can fix the economy.

Uh…

One.

That’s a word?

Two, three, four!

Stop wasteful spending.

Why don’t we just create more jobs, though?

Because that’s also wasteful spending, to pay people for jobs that aren’t really necessary.

I guess so. Look for this in tomorrow’s issue of “The Statement.”

I’ve read these before. I read the Daily every day.

Wow, you’re our first person to read the Daily every day! How awful is it?

I love it.

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