Please state your name and class standing for the record.

Melanie, and I’m a graduate student in the School of Public Health.

Wow, you’re our first graduate student for Random Student Interview!

Really?

So, in what situation would you kick a puppy?

Um, never.

What if you were both deserted on an island, and you caught the puppy eating your coconuts, and you had told it like a million times NOT to eat your coconuts? Would you kick it then?

Probably not.

You would probably just eat the puppy, since you’re on a deserted island, right?

I guess. . .I hadn’t thought of that.

Moving on, please name four types of igneous rocks and how they form.

Woah!

I’ve got a geoscience exam tomorrow, so. . .

Um. . .

We can go on to another question. In my planner there are instructions for the Heimlich maneuver. If you were choking, and someone retrieved their planner to help you out, do you think your last thoughts would be, “Oh my god, I’m gonna die at the hands of this idiot” or, “Oh my god, I think I have French homework due tomorrow”?

Oh my gosh, I’m gonna die.

What do you think we should do about the sun going red giant?

Red giant? I don’t think I knew about that.

Oh, OK. In five billion years, it’s going to expand and engulf the earth. Do you think we should do anything for humanity?

I think something should be done. I don’t have the answer, but I think something should be done. I’m sure there’s research going on.

Do you think, as Americans, we’re healthy? Or do we need some work?

I think, looking around, it seems pretty healthy.

You’re eating Pizza Hut at the Union, so what are your thoughts on that?

I just needed an outlet from eating healthy food because I’ve been eating really healthy lately, and I just needed to give into temptation once.

If an alien visited you and said, “You are utterly insignificant, a speck on the earth which is itself only a speck on the universe,” what would you do?

I’d say, “Who cares? I don’t know you!”

You wouldn’t shoot him or hold him captive?

Nope, he has his own opinion. Or she has her own opinion.

Is it ever acceptable to sell a Michigan v. Michigan State ticket for, like, $200, or do you think I should bump it down to $100?

How much is it usually sold for?

The face value is $27.50.

Oh. Michigan State? That’s, like, a big rival, right? I don’t really know.

It’s kind of a big rivalry.

Sell it for $200.

OK, thanks a lot. This should appear in “The Statement” tomorrow.

Oh, so where do I get a newspaper?

Usually they’re just littered on the ground.

Really? That’s sad. I’m sorry.

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