Welcome to the Random Student Interview, where we push the boundaries of desperation.

Hey do you have a minute?

OK.

You don’t sound too convincing. Do you really have a minute?

Yeah. I mean, I should be doing everything else.

What do you mean by “everything else?”

Oh, you know. Finals are next week.

What’s the damage?

Not too bad. This one class is killing me. I have one final, paper and two presentations due.

Damn. How will you ever get through?

Well, I have to find someone to buy me Adderall. No, give me Adderall. I don’t have any money, and I heard 5-Hour Energy tastes like shit.

And Adderall tastes like what?

I don’t know, I’ve never had it before, but I hear it does cool things. Wait, my friend gave me some of her ADHD medication one time, but I don’t know how it tastes because I ate it with chicken shawarma. Anyway, that’s my story.

So I take it we are in desperate territory.

Yeah, good thing I’m not an engineering major. Or pre-med. By the way, did you know that the profession you’re most likely to kill yourself in is a 7-Eleven store clerk?

No way.

Yeah. I had a friend who worked at 7-Eleven, and I haven’t talked to him in a few months and now I’m afraid he’s probably dead.

You jump to hasty conclusions don’t you?

I’m a pretty pessimistic person. I see life on the dark side. I mean, I’ve seen the dark side of life.

OK, let’s try to get to the bright side. What about break? Do you have any plans?

I mean, my parents did suggest going to Maine, which sounds way worse than Michigan, so I said no. So I’m stuck here.

Oh no, what will you do in Michigan?

Hopefully I can get a job for next semester, but not at 7-Eleven. They’re hiring. Sorry to anyone that works there.

Have you applied anywhere more promising?

Yeah, but it’s probably too fancy for me. I shouldn’t name-drop. I want to get hired.

Good policy. What do you want to make money for? Spend it all on holiday gifts?

Well, I want to go somewhere for my 21st birthday. I don’t really care about other people.

Well, as long as we’re being honest, what’s your position on the phrase “Happy Holidays”?

I think it’s the right position. It’s a universal phrase. When you say “Happy Holidays” to someone, they know what you mean.

And what do you mean?

Have a happy holiday.

Well that’s easy.

Also, you won’t get anyone yelling at you. Like if you say “Merry Christmas,” sometimes people yell at you.

Why do you think that is?

People are angry.

How about you? Are you angry?

I would have to say no. Just a little depressed about the prospect of finals, but overall I’m good.

Does next semester look any more promising for you?

If I don’t get off the wait list for this class, then no. I’ll have class at eight in the morning.

Yeah, at that point, you might as well apply at 7-Eleven.

— Emma is an LSA Junior

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