Welcome to the random student interview, where we existentially debate your validity as a person.
Thanks for stopping.
Sure, why not?
Hey, I ask the questions here.
Don’t worry, all the pressure is on me. There isn’t much pressure on you at all. I only I need to know one thing before we get into it: Are you a real person?
Oh, I would say most days, yes.
Most days? What about Mondays?
If I’ve had my coffee.
Good thing it’s Tuesday. You’re ready to be a real person today?
Yes I am. It took a little while, but you know I got there.
Good. I had to ask because it just occurred to me that I could completely make you up. I’m glad you’re here and with us, but I’m not sure we have everyone convinced. So to hit the point home, what’s one word that’s just emblematic of you right now?
No wonder you stopped to do the interview. You’re just too tired to say no.
Yeah, I’m a zombie.
No, you’re a real person, remember?
So, since we’re only publishing your first name and you could be anyone named Renee, is there anything you’ve never told anyone that you’d like to broadcast to the throngs of readers I have?
I have no idea.
How about something you wouldn’t want your parents to know?
Come on. Anything you want to scream from the rooftops?
I’ve never kissed a boy.
Oh wow. Have you kissed anything else? I mean, when you qualify that with “a boy” I start to wonder.
Well like maybe it’s a saying like you don’t kiss “boys,” you only kiss men with scruffy beards. Or you only kiss women, if you’re into that.
Puppies? Puppies are great kissers.
Oh no, that’s gross.
Yeah, they’re kind of gross, but so are boys.
So do you anticipate creating a movie starring Drew Barrymore about your never-been-kissed life?
No. No, I’m not that dramatic.
So do you mind me asking why you’re holding out?
Umm… Probably because I’ve waited so long. I don’t know. You want it to be special, but at the same time it’s probably just going to happen one day, and I’m going to be like, “Wait! Did you just steal my moment? I hate you.”
Oh man. That’s intense.
Yeah, there’s a lot of pressure on that guy.
So what would be the ideal circumstances under which you would experience your first kiss?
Umm. I like the guy. The guy is attractive because I’m superficial like that…
I think the whole world is. They’ll probably think you’re unattractive, but I can assure them that you aren’t and you are a real person.
Maybe. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. So, and after a wonderful conversation with this attractive guy … This is stupid. I don’t even know. I just want it to happen sometime.
OK fair enough. That’s a very realistic goal for a very real person named Renee.
Let’s ground this conversation and see what we have in common. Do you like Christmas music?
I like it at Christmas.
I hate it at all times. Is now too early?
Now is too early. I have to get through Thanksgiving first before I can listen to it.
What do you want to say to the big Christmas music lovers?
Oh, they can stuff it.
Oh that’s fantastic! Until you’ve eaten you’re stuffed turkey at Thanksgiving, they can stuff it!
It’s quite a slogan. Glad we have that feeling in common. So how do you feel about people who “reply all” to e-mails sent to e-mail lists?
Umm … I want to kill them.
I think the feeling is yet again mutual.
Well I guess it depends on what the message sent to “reply all” is. You know, if it’s a message asking for the destruction of all Christmas music as we know it, then I’m all for it.
Fantastic. Who would’ve known I would have so much in common with this real person named Renee that I most definitely did not make up!
-Renee is an LSA senior