Welcome to the random student interview, where we ask complete strangers to validate their lives.

There’s a lot of pressure on me for this to be funny …

Funny?

Yeah. So first off, do you think I’m funny?

Yeah.

Already? You don’t even need to hear the rest of the interview?

Yeah. You’re a very animated character.

So I’m not real. I’m an animated character. What would the name of my show be?

Your animated show … hmm … have you ever heard of “The Ugly Truth”?

No. Explain.

It’s a show about the ugly truth of what men usually find in a relationship.

Oh OK, wasn’t that an awful movie with Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler?

Yeah.

They’re not animated. So how do I fit?

I feel like you’d be directing another woman’s perspective on that.

Oh, OK. And you got all that from the beginning of the interview? How insightful.

Yeah.

So, what’s your favorite coffee drink?

I like “Crammin’ Caramel” from (Bert’s Café in) the Ugli.

OK, what’s in that, other than a shit-ton of caffeine?

(Laughs) Yeah, that’s the important part. There’s caramel, white chocolate, milk. It’s not really healthy, but that kind of stuff.

So what does that cost you? About $7?

No, it costs I think it’s three. It’s totally worth it.

Yeah that’s really cheap. Who needs food when you can get something like that?

Yeah.

So, it’s warm today. Shocker. How do you feel about sunbathing in the Diag? Is it appropriate to sunbathe in this weather?

Know what? I wouldn’t put it past some students here. I wouldn’t. There’s going to be someone.

Where are you from originally?

20 minutes away.

Oh, so are you feeling a bit regretful about staying in Michigan for college?

No, I love Michigan. And I love my family, so …

OK, but if you could, hypothetically, move your entire family, where would you go?

Hmmm … Europe.

Where in Europe? Europe is pretty big.

I think maybe, maybe France. I feel like that’s a sexy country.

It’s sexy? Like how? Is it just the language?

Yeah.

Do you know any French?

Yeah, I know some. I have a couple of friends from France.

Are you happy about the trees changing color?

Yeah. My mom says, “Tree alert,” so whenever I see a tree I’ll say, “Tree alert!” And I’ll be by myself under a red tree.

OK, that’s great. Do you get strange looks when you are doing that?

Yeah, I do.

Do you ever worry about the squirrels attacking you? I’m a little afraid of the squirrels here.

They’re a bit too up-close-and-personal for me.

What do you think about hunting?

Hunting. I think it’s gross. I don’t think people should hunt.

Are you a vegetarian?

Nope.

No? Then, if you had to, what would you do to survive? Let’s say I dropped you in the Upper Peninsula and you had to fend for yourself?

I feel like I would talk to the animals first, tell them I was sorry and then I’d kill them.

Don’t you think that would scare them off?

Quietly. Well, hopefully it would scare them off so I wouldn’t have to kill them.

So you’d have to subsist on berries and twigs?

Yeah. Besides I don’t really have time between Ugli sessions to go out and shoot deer.

How did your library session just go?

It went well. I just went in and got a water. I have class, and I forgot a water.

Well I hope I’m not making you late. Are you late for class?

Oh, no. I actually have a break.

Well if you are late it’d be a good excuse to say you were doing a random student interview.

Yeah.

Tell your professor it was my fault. I’m famous, you know.

— Melanie is a LSA freshman

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