Welcome to the Random Student Interview, where the line between journalistic integrity and personal boundaries becomes blurred.
Why don’t you start off by telling me what your summer plans are?

Um my summer plans are going to work at a canoe livery on the Huron River.

Oh cool. How’d you get that?

I just applied on A2.gov.

Are you a canoe enthusiast? What drew you to that?

Just the outdoor line of work. Last summer I worked at a ski resort in Park City, Utah, so I like working outdoors.

Oh cool. Would you call yourself extreme?

I’d like to be extreme, but I’m not too extreme. Amateur extreme.

What’s the most extreme thing you’ve ever done?

Um, I don’t know. Gone skiing out West.

Cheetos, I think, have been described as extreme. Extremely cheesy or something.

One time I ate an entire bag of Cheetos when I was really high.

Just because it won’t show up in the recording, give me a sense of the size of this bag.

About this big.

Can you quantify the bag? How tall? A foot?

Two feet.

Wow.

It was cheese puffs, too.

So it wasn’t Cheetos?

Cheeto brand cheese puffs.

That is really extreme. So would you say your summer’s going to be like — comparing it between movies — “Jane Eyre” or the “Hangover Part II?”

What was the first one?

“Jane Eyre.”

“Hangover Part II” because Bill Clinton’s in that.

Which “Hangover” character would you say you’re most like?

Um, I’d like to say Bradley Cooper.

Why Bradley Cooper?

Because he’s the best looking and often time takes on the leader role.

If you had to choose between being the portly man with a beard who travels in the wolf pack, or the man who inadvertently marries a stripper who looses a tooth, who would you describe yourself as?

Uh, the portly man with a beard.

Have you ever acted like a portly man … with a beard?

No. I’ve always bordered — I’ve never actually reached portly yet —I’ve bordered between out of shape and like slightly chubby, and I’ve never had a beard. I just shaved today actually, and I had what like he has (points to friend). Just a little bit more than stubble, I’d say. I’ve never tried to grow an actual beard.

Has it been a struggle for you?

No I don’t know. I’ll wait until I’m an older man to grow a beard. Hold onto my youth.

Does anybody in your family bald, speaking of holding onto your youth?

I’ve been thinking about that a lot. None of them are early balders. So I’m glad about that. But I mean my grandpa’s bald, and he’s about 70.

Let’s shift to politics. Are you a political enthusiast?

I watch pretty much every episode of “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report,” but that’s about it.

Do you prefer Colbert or Stewart?

Stewart. Stewart for sure.

Why Stewart?

He’s more of a gentleman. He’s a really talented TV host and comedian, whereas Colbert is really funny because of that whole persona thing and he can be more ridiculous, but Stewart overall just runs a tighter show.

Did you know Donald Trump is running for president? Are you exited or depressed?

I didn’t take it seriously — is it 100 percent for sure? I didn’t take it seriously until I saw the roasting. He basically just sprung it on me.

I heard The Situation bombed at the roast.

Yeah it was awful.

Was it good or bad?

He actually managed to, (on) one or two jokes, manage to not get a single laugh.

Tell me your best Donald Trump joke.

I don’t have any Donald Trump jokes. I’m not a hack.

Do you think Rebecca Black deserves all the criticism she’s been getting?

Uh, criticism. Yeah. I think she deserves her fame too, though.

If you had to make a song about the day of week, which day of the week and can you give me a few hooks?

Hmm … I couldn’t give you any hooks. But I’d probably go for — I mean, she’s already got Friday, and there’s already been a couple about Saturday already, so I’d probably try Tuesday or Thursday. Something random.

What’s great about Tuesday and Thursday?

Hmm … They probably get passed by. Nobody really thinks about them. There’s probably something you could do something with. I don’t know. I mean I love “Friday.” I sing it every Friday.

Yeah? Nice. So back to the Donald, because I’m intrigued. He’s been calling for President Obama’s birth certificate. What are your thoughts on that?

I mean that’s really stupid. It’s clear that President Obama has a birth certificate. Honestly, he really doesn’t have a shot to win the presidency. The only reason he’s getting so close is everyone’s so concerned about the fiscal situation of the country, and he’s supposed to be a fiscal genius.

Who would you want to see in the White House?

Obama.

Are you on Twitter?

I don’t have a Twitter. I find myself going on Twitter.

Who do you follow on Twitter?

Questlove, Tyler the Creator from Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All. That’s about it. Just members of Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All.

Do you follow Earl?

Does he have a Twitter? No, Earl doesn’t have a Twitter.

What are your thoughts on Earl?

Free fucking Earl. Earl’s the best 16-year-old rapper that ever —

I mean, Lil’ Bow Wow had a quite a run.

Yeah I don’t know. I’m pretty sure Earl trumps him.

Trumps — see, you’re thinking about the Donald. Now this is ridiculous: Did you know Snooki has more followers on Twitter than the Dalai Lama? I think I read that somewhere.

That makes sense, the Dalai Lama really shouldn’t have a Twitter. There’s something weird about that.

That’s interesting. Last question: Have you filled out your teacher evaluations yet?

No. There’s no teacher I feel really strongly enough this semester.

– Justin is an Art & Design sophomore.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.