The Michigan Daily: Hey Laurie, I know you want to do the
student interview.

Random: Um, I’m sure she would, but let me go get
her …

TMD: Alright, that would help (Waits with quiet reserve.
Laurie picks up.) Laurie!

R: Who is this?

TMD: This is the Michigan Daily. You’ve been chosen
for the Random Student Interview.

R: Ohhh … I couldn’t be happier

TMD: Ohhh, I like that attitude.

R: Oh yeah? You like that attitude. There’s more
where that came from.

TMD: Yeah baby …

R: I bet there’s going to be a lot you like about
this interview.

TMD: Ohhh, lets go.

(Excitement fades …)

Alright, to start off, let’s get boring and then get
interesting. Which do you like better? The NCAA or the NIT ?

R: Dude, I don’t even know what either of those
stand for.

TMD: All right. Well then, I guess that’s that.
Well, Michigan is in the NIT if that matters at all.

R: I say the one for Michigan then. I don’t have a
fucking clue.

TMD: I think NIT stands for the Not Interested
Tournament. Zing!

R: Not Interested Tournament? (thinks) Ohhh, look at you
using acronyms. OK.

TMD: You’re a smartass; I like that. So, Condi Rice
has been in the news a lot lately, especially in front of the
camera. I was wondering if you think she’s hot? Or not
really?

R: Who?

TMD: You have no idea who that is?

R: Say that again?

TMD: Condoleezza Rice.

R: Hold on. Tell my roommate.

(Silence. Google searching perhaps?)

TMD: She’s a black woman on TV. You can’t
miss her.

R: I don’t know who that is. Well, I prefer naked
men to naked women if that’s interesting to you.

TMD: Yes, it definitely helps out. So then what do you
think of the Naked Mile? Usually a lot of naked guys.

R: I didn’t know they still did that, to be
honest.

TMD: This may be the last year anyone tries.

R: Hell yeah, I’ll be there. I can’t run the
mile but I’ll be naked. WOOOOO!!!!

TMD: Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day. Do you have
anything wicked and evil planned out for anyone?

R: Yeah, I’ll encourage you to put this in the
Daily. What’s your name?

TMD: My name is Daily.

R: Ok, I’m going to pee in a cup and pour it in
front of someone’s door in Markley just for kicks.
Isn’t that funny?

TMD: Um yeah, its pretty hilarious.

R: Exactly. I’m going to do it.

TMD: All right. Anything else involving bodily
functions?

R: Hmm …

TMD: You know — peeing, vomiting, excretion,
ejaculation.

R: A lot of things to do with vomiting. If I can get my
hand on some ejaculation, I’ll use that too.

TMD: So Easter’s coming up. Do you have any
plans?

R: Easter? I won’t be in school for Passover or for
Good Friday; I’ll tell you that. I’ll just be smoking
some pot.

TMD: I think Jesus would appreciate that.

R: Jesus was really down with the goods from the Earth.
I’ll tell you that.

TMD: Did you see his movie?

R: “The Passion of the Christ?” I saw it last
week.

TMD: What’d you think?

R: It was really hard to watch. I cried; it was really
graphic.

TMD: Sounds good. I was thinking of making my own
religious movie.

R: Oh yeah? What about?

TMD: It’s going to be called “The Passion of
Mohammed.” I have $500 and a digital video camera. I was
thinking of going for it.Would you see it?

R: Yeah, but let me tell you something: I don’t
think anybody else would want to.

TMD: Damn, that’s rough. Thanks for telling me,
though. And Asians? What about “The Passion of the
Buddha?”

R: No. Just trying to help. You’re living in
America. “Passion of the Whores” maybe. “Naked
Girls Gone Wild.” Watch college girls make out. Want to hear
something else I heard?

TMD: Go for it.

R: A girl in my class was a part of a sorority and she
said XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX drunk and
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX lock XXXXXXXXXX basement
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX orgy.

TMD: And what’s the address of this house?

R: I don’t know what the address is. You’d be
down there, huh?

TMD: I’d probably videotape it. I don’t think
I’d want to touch any of them.

R: You’re not down with herpes, gonorrhea and
chlamydia?

TMD: I just got rid of all of those; I don’t really
want them again. Ok, look for this in the paper tomorrow.

R: That’s it? We’re done?!

TMD: You gave a lot. Do you have any more?

R: Just make sure you print that I want to pour urine on
someone’s door.

TMD: Urine on the door. Got it.

R: Bye, have a good weekend.

TMD: You too.

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