The Michigan Daily: Hey Laurie, I know you want to do the
student interview.
Random: Um, I’m sure she would, but let me go get
her …
TMD: Alright, that would help (Waits with quiet reserve.
Laurie picks up.) Laurie!
R: Who is this?
TMD: This is the Michigan Daily. You’ve been chosen
for the Random Student Interview.
R: Ohhh … I couldn’t be happier
TMD: Ohhh, I like that attitude.
R: Oh yeah? You like that attitude. There’s more
where that came from.
TMD: Yeah baby …
R: I bet there’s going to be a lot you like about
this interview.
TMD: Ohhh, lets go.
(Excitement fades …)
Alright, to start off, let’s get boring and then get
interesting. Which do you like better? The NCAA or the NIT ?
R: Dude, I don’t even know what either of those
stand for.
TMD: All right. Well then, I guess that’s that.
Well, Michigan is in the NIT if that matters at all.
R: I say the one for Michigan then. I don’t have a
fucking clue.
TMD: I think NIT stands for the Not Interested
Tournament. Zing!
R: Not Interested Tournament? (thinks) Ohhh, look at you
using acronyms. OK.
TMD: You’re a smartass; I like that. So, Condi Rice
has been in the news a lot lately, especially in front of the
camera. I was wondering if you think she’s hot? Or not
really?
R: Who?
TMD: You have no idea who that is?
R: Say that again?
TMD: Condoleezza Rice.
R: Hold on. Tell my roommate.
(Silence. Google searching perhaps?)
TMD: She’s a black woman on TV. You can’t
miss her.
R: I don’t know who that is. Well, I prefer naked
men to naked women if that’s interesting to you.
TMD: Yes, it definitely helps out. So then what do you
think of the Naked Mile? Usually a lot of naked guys.
R: I didn’t know they still did that, to be
honest.
TMD: This may be the last year anyone tries.
R: Hell yeah, I’ll be there. I can’t run the
mile but I’ll be naked. WOOOOO!!!!
TMD: Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day. Do you have
anything wicked and evil planned out for anyone?
R: Yeah, I’ll encourage you to put this in the
Daily. What’s your name?
TMD: My name is Daily.
R: Ok, I’m going to pee in a cup and pour it in
front of someone’s door in Markley just for kicks.
Isn’t that funny?
TMD: Um yeah, its pretty hilarious.
R: Exactly. I’m going to do it.
TMD: All right. Anything else involving bodily
functions?
R: Hmm …
TMD: You know — peeing, vomiting, excretion,
ejaculation.
R: A lot of things to do with vomiting. If I can get my
hand on some ejaculation, I’ll use that too.
TMD: So Easter’s coming up. Do you have any
plans?
R: Easter? I won’t be in school for Passover or for
Good Friday; I’ll tell you that. I’ll just be smoking
some pot.
TMD: I think Jesus would appreciate that.
R: Jesus was really down with the goods from the Earth.
I’ll tell you that.
TMD: Did you see his movie?
R: “The Passion of the Christ?” I saw it last
week.
TMD: What’d you think?
R: It was really hard to watch. I cried; it was really
graphic.
TMD: Sounds good. I was thinking of making my own
religious movie.
R: Oh yeah? What about?
TMD: It’s going to be called “The Passion of
Mohammed.” I have $500 and a digital video camera. I was
thinking of going for it.Would you see it?
R: Yeah, but let me tell you something: I don’t
think anybody else would want to.
TMD: Damn, that’s rough. Thanks for telling me,
though. And Asians? What about “The Passion of the
Buddha?”
R: No. Just trying to help. You’re living in
America. “Passion of the Whores” maybe. “Naked
Girls Gone Wild.” Watch college girls make out. Want to hear
something else I heard?
TMD: Go for it.
R: A girl in my class was a part of a sorority and she
said XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX drunk and
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX lock XXXXXXXXXX basement
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX orgy.
TMD: And what’s the address of this house?
R: I don’t know what the address is. You’d be
down there, huh?
TMD: I’d probably videotape it. I don’t think
I’d want to touch any of them.
R: You’re not down with herpes, gonorrhea and
chlamydia?
TMD: I just got rid of all of those; I don’t really
want them again. Ok, look for this in the paper tomorrow.
R: That’s it? We’re done?!
TMD: You gave a lot. Do you have any more?
R: Just make sure you print that I want to pour urine on
someone’s door.
TMD: Urine on the door. Got it.
R: Bye, have a good weekend.
TMD: You too.