The Michigan Daily: Hi, I’m a writer at “The Michigan Daily.” You’ve been chosen to take part in this week’s Random Student Interview. Are you up for it?
TMD: Boxers or briefs?
R: Hmm, boxers
TMD: Do you think it’s better to burn out or fade away?
R: Hmm, hang on a second (excruciatingly long pause). Fade away.
TMD: How many billiard balls can you fit in your mouth?
R: Uhh, zero.
TMD:What do you think? Is Chinaman the preferred nomenclature?
TMD: Have you ever made a snowman and put the carrot down around the groin instead of on the face?
R: No, I’ve never made a snowman.
TMD: Is today the greatest day you’ve ever known?
TMD: Does it take a village?
R: No. She was wrong.
TMD: When’s the last time you stuck your tongue to a frozen pole?
TMD: Have you ever had a tape worm?
R: No. Thank god.
TMD: Have you ever stuffed hot marbles in your pockets to keep yourself warm on a cold winter’s day?
R: I’ve never heard of that
TMD: Does two plus two always equal four?
R: Uhh, I don’t know.
TMD: How do you feel about the term crotch rocket?
R: When it’s necessary.
TMD: Uh huh. What do you think of Saddam’s recent apology for invading Kuwait?
R: I hadn’t even heard he apologized.
TMD: Well, he did. Do you agree that it’s cool to apologize for invading a sovereign territory?
R: I think, at the very least, it’s a nice thing to do.
TMD: Have you ever been invaded yourself?
TMD: Does Canada suck?
TMD: Should we invade them and then apologize?
R: They don’t deserve our apology.
TMD: So you would be for invading Canada?
R: And then not apologize.
TMD: What’s your opinion of Tom Jones?
R: We don’t really know each other, but I’ll confess and say that he’s really, really sexy.
TMD: What exactly makes him so sexy?
R: Let’s put it this way. When I saw him, I wanted to throw my underwear at him.
TMD: You wanted to throw your underwear at him?
R: It’s acceptable.
TMD: If someone gave you two free tickets to see Pearl Jam, would you go?
TMD: If it was a Pearl Jam cover band, would you go?
TMD: What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?
R: Hmm, applying to State.
TMD: Is the sky the limit, or would it be the ozone layer?
R: The sky is the beginning.
TMD: Very profound. When you go cow-tipping, do you do a little victory jig if the cow topples over?
R: Yeah. On the cow.
TMD: Don’t you hate that disclaimer restaurants have that their quarter-pound burger is actually a quarter pound of meat before cooking? Because then, it’s actualy less. It’s false advertising, isn’t it?
TMD: Have you ever drank a bunch of whiskey, passed out in a crippling, spinning haze and then woken up to have four friends drag you to go eat a one pound burger?
R: Yes. Well, it was almost a pound, but because of the disclaimer, you know?
TMD: If you were to randomly interview yourself, what would you ask?
R: Hmm. Do I wear pajamas?
TMD: And do you wear pajamas?
R: Yes, I certainly do.
TMD: Do you think it’s more important to look good but be late or be on time but have forgotten your shirt.
R: I have to go with be late, but look good.
TMD: On a mixed tape, do you ever repeat artists?
R: Oh yeah.
TMD: So to you it’s okay to break the sacred rule that one shouldn’t repeat artists on a mixed tape?
R: Well I feel it is, others say it isn’t.
TMD: Would you want to know how much time you have before your death?
R: Um, yeah.
TMD: Do people ever tell you that you look like a famous person?
R: No. They tell me get the hell out.
R: That’s not funny!
TMD: Apologies. Now it’s time for the final five questions that everyone gets.
Who wins in a boxing match between Mike Tyson and a kangaroo?
R: Is the kangaroo from Australia or is it a zoo kangaroo?
TMD: That is a fantastic question. It’s wild, from Australia even.
R: Then I’m going to go with the kangaroo.
TMD: Do you believe that in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make?
R: HELL YEAH!
TMD: Do you prefer the expression “making whoopee” or “doing the horizontal bop?”
R: I would go with bop.
TMD: Nature or nurture?
R: I’m going to go with nature.
TMD: If you could relive one year out of your life, which one would it be?
R: Because this is the best day of my life, I’m going to go with this year, which is year twenty.
TMD: Why exactly are you having a great day?
R: Have you seen the movie “Office Space,” where every day is getting worse for him?
TMD: I’m not sure whose interview this is. But yes, I have.
R: Well it’s just like that, except that every day since I got here is getting better than the one before.
TMD: Where did you just get here from?
R: I transferred.
TMD: All right Paul, well thanks a lot.
R: All right, have a good day.