Random: Hello?

The Michigan Daily: Is Sarah there?

R: No she’s not. Can I take a message for her?

TMD: Nah … can I ask who is this?

R: This is Rachel.

TMD: Hey Rachel. I’m doing the incomparable Random
Student Interview for the Daily. Do you have a few minutes?

R: Umm, sure.

TMD: Do you think Ann Arbor is overrated?

R: Slightly.

TMD: How so?

R: I don’t know, like in terms of safety and
scenery and …

TMD: The weather.

R: Yeah it’s pretty bad. I have a couple friends
going to school in California. I think they have the right

TMD: Definitely. So I started watching TV again, when did
it get to be so bad?

R: I think reality TV set in. A couple of those shows are
entertaining and they’re funny, but some of them are so

TMD: For example?

R: I haven’t seen it yet, but “My Big, Fat,
Obnoxious Fiancé.” I refuse to watch it.

TMD: Yeah how much worse can it get than having a guy
with a weight problem running around pretending he’s going to
marry people. Is there anything still worth watching? I’m
getting really desperate.

R: I watch “Friends.”

TMD: Mmm. I don’t want to get into in the middle.
Hey, are you scared of clowns?

R: I was when I was little, but not anymore.

TMD: What was it that scared you about clowns back

R: I think they’re too intense for kids.
They’re up in your face, they’re really dramatic and
they don’t look like normal people. Transformations are
always hard on kids.

TMD: Are you scared of killer clowns?

R: What do you mean?

TMD: You know clowns that kill people.

R: Is … that actually a thing?

TMD: Apparently. Nevermind. Who would you consider to be
some of your major influences?

R: My mom and dad and my grandpa.

TMD: Anyone you’ve never met face to face?

R: I can’t think of anyone. I’m sure there is
somebody, but nobody comes to mind.

TMD: Don’t sweat it. What are you doing for Spring

R: I’m going home to work. A couple of my friends
go to different colleges so they have different spring breaks.
We’re gonna try to get a cruise together for after
school’s out. But for now I’m going to try to make some

TMD: Where’s home for you?

R: The Bloomfield area of Michigan.

TMD: Ah the Bloomfied area. I’ve never heard it
described quite like that.

R: Well I’m from Franklin and if I say that nobody
knows where I’m talking about.

TMD: If you were going to follow a band on tour who would
it be?

R: Maroon 5? I don’t if they’re touring right
now. Or Something Corporate, maybe Brand New.

TMD: What is the strangest thing that either you have
ever sent through the U.S. Postal Service or that has been sent to

R: … a tin of cookies and gummy bears?

TMD: That’s as weird as it gets? Nobody ever sent
you anything really odd?

R: I’ve got a pretty normal family. They just send
money and cards.

TMD: That’s nice, kinda boring but nice.

R: Cash is really nice.

TMD: Do you have a favorite swear word?

R: Ass. I don’t know, it seems like you can get a
lot of attitude behind it.

TMD: It’s pretty versatile. “Move your fat
ass.” “Stop being an ass.” “Your breath
smells like ass.” I like it as an adjective too, like
“you look really ass today.” Anyways where have all the
flowers gone?

R: Let’s see … mmm.

TMD: Take a guess.

R: I don’t get it.

TMD: Not important. It’s a song title I guess.

R: I must be the most boring interview you’ve ever

TMD: Nope, that would be the girl I talked to before you.
She said that her spirit animal was a giraffe because they are
really docile and that she was caught up in some sort mail-order
underwear pyramid scheme. She was terrible.

R: I’m sorry.

TMD: No, no you’re much better. Don’t be
sorry. Even though it’s getting to be a bit late, what are
your fashion predictions for 2004?

R: I’ve seen a lot of the knee-cut coats around.
They’re much longer.

TMD: Maybe that’s because it’s cold out. Or
maybe people are shrinking.

R: I think there will be more of the
off-the-one-shoulder, weird cut shirts. For women anyways.

TMD: I haven’t seen them on guys yet. That will be
my prediction then, I’ll say the guys are going to start
wearing the one-shoulder shirts.

R: That’s pretty metrosexual.

TMD: Jumping to the world of politics, do you buy the
Village Voice’s claim that the Rev. Al Sharpton is really
just a Republican stooge?

R: … No.

TMD: Do you think we need a more vocal and present mascot
on campus?

R: That’d be nice. Especially since we don’t
have like a big stuffed one.

TMD: Something to run around at football games and
sporting events?

R: The wolverine is pretty ugly, we’d have to come
up with something else.

TMD: No big cuddly wolverine then?

R: It has to be cute to work. Isn’t a wolverine a
rodent or something?

TMD: I think they’re a member of the weasel family.
They’re like a big badger that hasn’t slept in three
days. Not really cute.

R: Yeah.

TMD: Can we all get along?

R: Um no.

TMD: Why not?

R: Everybody’s different, everybody has opinions.
People shouldn’t be rude to each other, but I don’t
think we’ll ever be at total peace.

TMD: That’s pretty realistic. Do you have a
favorite super hero?

R: Batman. He didn’t have any crazy super powers,
he was just very awesome on his own.

TMD: Are you ready for this week’s quiz? Just
answer yes or no, unless you think there has to be an explanation,

R: Yep.

TMD: Is pink the new black?

R: No.

TMD: Is John Kerry the new Howard Dean?

R: Maybe.

TMD: Are Quaaludes the new Ecstasy?

R: Gosh I hope not.

TMD: Is Janet Jackson the new Michael Jackson?

R: Noo.

TMD: Is sleeping around the new going steady?

R: No. It should not be.

TMD: Why not??

R: Sleeping around is retarded.

TMD: Can you elaborate a little bit more for the people
at home?

R: Who are the people at home?

TMD: The people who are reading this.

R: Oh. I’m trying to think of a way to say this
without sounding like a total prude, but I don’t think
it’s like respecting of other people. It might be fun, but it
the long run it hurts your chances for relationships, like your
sense of commitment.

TMD: OK back to the quiz. Are donkeys the new

R: No.

TMD: Is ricin the new anthrax?

R: I don’t know what ricin is …

TMD: Don’t worry about it … yet.

R: It sounds pretty serious. I’ll say yes.

TMD: Thanks Rachel you were great. Appreciate you helping
us out.

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