Random: Hello?

The Michigan Daily: Hey, congratulations! You’ve been
selected to do the Michigan Daily Random Student Interview!

R: Serious?

TMD: You got some time?

R: Um, kind of.

TMD: Oh, kind of, that’s what I like to hear. All right,
so what’s your name?

R: Casey.

TMD: Casey, what’s going on? What year are you?

R: I’m a freshman.

TMD: Fantastic. All right. So today, in case you haven’t
been out of your dorm, um, was bid day, when all the sororities,
you know, grab their little froshie pledges and head them off to
the house. How do you feel about that?

R: Um I don’ care, I’m not doing it. I think
it’s kind of stupid, but whatever.

TMD: No, no, go with that emotion. I mean, doesn’t it seem
a little lame, there’s a reason Southern universities refer
to it as “Squeal Day.”

R: Oh, OK. Well, yeah.

TMD: Doesn’t it make a lot of sense?

R: Um, sure.

TMD: Isn’t it sort of like an angry riot done by a bunch
of really preppy, squealy, like upper-class girls?

R: I don’t know about all that, but whatever.

TMD: Whatever, all right. Who you voting’ for in the
election?

R: John Kerry.

TMD: Oh, how come?

R: Because I think Bush is an idiot and I think John Kerry can
do a lot of good for this country.

TMD: What about Al Sharpton?

R: Al Sharpton’s pretty cool.

TMD: All right, so, but would you vote for him for
president?

R: Um, actually yeah.

TMD: Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about. What
about Obama?

R: Obama? He’s pretty cool too.

TMD: Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ bout. So
speaking of Obama, have you heard the “Why” remix from
Jadakiss where he talks about impeaching George Bush and electing
Obama as president?

R: Um, no, I haven’t heard that.

TMD: WHAT!?

R: Um, I’m sorry.

TMD: WHAT!? (in the manner of Lil’ Jon)

R: Um, I’m really sorry, I haven’t heard that.

TMD: Oooooooh, Lil’ Jon’s upset, he’s doing
the interview with me. You gotta excuse him, he sometimes gets a
little excited. All right, so have you read the “This Week in
Crunk” column?

R: Um, no.

TMD: In the Weekend Magazine?

R: Wait, no, I don’t think so.

TMD: It’s got the photo of the really good looking guy
above it?

R: .. (silence) … (aside to unknown person)
…I’m on the random student interview … (laughs)
… um, no, I don’t think I read that, sorry.

TMD: You should definitely start reading it soon. All right, so
what have album you listening to?

R: Right now?

TMD: Yeah.

R: Um, I’m listening to a lot of stuff.

TMD: All right, what’s your favorite album in your CD
player right now?

R: My favorite album in my CD player right now is … You know,
it’s a really tough decision.

TMD: All right, top three, go.

R: Top three? Um, Johnny Lang: Lie to Me, Tom Waits: Heart of
Saturday Night, and P.J. Harvey: Stories from the City, Stories
from the Sea.

TMD: OK, we just all give you a standing ovation, because I just
bought the new Tom Waits album today, you’re officially the
coolest random student interviewee ever.

R: (shouts) I’m the coolest random student interviewee
ever!

TMD: All right, so Heart of Saturday Night. Why not Rain Dogs or
Swordfish Trombones?

R: What?

TMD: Why Heart of Saturday Night and why not Rain Dogs,
it’s the better album.

R: Well, see, Heart of Saturday Night is like, my mom’s
favorite album of all time, and I bought it for her for Christmas
and then I burned a copy, so …

TMD: Oh.

R: I’ve listened to it nonstop for like, the last year or
so.

TMD: All right, well, good answer. So MIPs, what’s the
deal with those? You gotten one yet?

R: Um, you know, I’m pretty lame, so no, I have not gotten
an MIP.

TMD: Oh come on, you listen to Tom Waits, you can’t be
that lame.

R: Um, yeah. Yeah, I am.

TMD: Oh, wow. Your stock is falling fast. What would you do if
you got an MIP?

R: What would I do if I got an MIP?

TMD: Yuh huh.

R: Um, OK, um, try to whine my way out of it.

TMD: How come, ‘cause you’re a girl?

R: Yeah, I could flirt with the guy, maybe he’d, you know,
like yeah.

TMD: What if it’s a chick?

R: Um, in that case, then no. Hmmm. I don’t know. I
probably wouldn’t try to flirt my way out of that one.

TMD: Do you think you could be discriminated against to be
having an MIP?

R: Um, I don’t know, maybe.

TMD: All right, we’ll leave that alone. So clearly
you’re into random stuff, you know, because you’re
doing the random interview, so how do you feel about random
hook-ups?

R: (Different person) How do you know — how do we know
that you’re just not a stalker?

TMD: Oh, babe, I’m a licensed journalist. You’ll see
this in the paper if it’s funny enough.

R: Well, but you could just have looked her up on the Facebook
or something and pretend to be a random interviewer, but
you’re just trying to see what she enjoys in her free time
and her favorite food, and, uh…

TMD: You’re completely right. I’m the nerdy guy
sitting three rows behind you in chem class. Let’s go out on
Friday.

R: (back to Casey) Yeah, that was my friend Dana.

TMD: Well, she brings up some good points.

R: Yes, that’s right, she does.

TMD: All right, well, this is what we’re doing now.
We’re going to play the hot-or-not game. All right, Michigan
Marching Band, hot or not?

R: Hot.

TMD: Why?

R: Because I was in a marching band in high school and no matter
what marching band it’s always pretty cool.

TMD: All right, what instrument do you play?

R: I played the flute.

TMD: (Cough) Loser. I’m sorry, Reverend Al Sharpton, hot
or not?

R: Reverend Al Sharpton? He’s got pretty awesome hair,
he’s pretty hot.

TMD: Oh, OK, two for two. Michigan Daily staff, hot or not?

R: Um, hot.

TMD: Oh, wow, you’re batting a thousand. Sparky
Anderson.

R: Sparky Anderson?

TMD: What?

R: Who’s Sparky Anderson?

TMD: Who’s Sparky Anderson?

R: Yeah.

TMD: Former manager of the Dee-troit Tigers?

R: Sorry, I’m a Boston fan.

TMD: Oh, you’re from Boston? Cool, so am I. So who’s
gonna win a hot oil wrestling match, Dick Cheney or John
Edwards?

R: Dick Cheney’s a pretty big dude, but John Edwards is
kinda hot, so.

TMD: Huh, did you say that John Edwards is kinda hot?

R: Yeah, I think that, yeah.

TMD: So you want him to like, sweet-talk you that like, Two
Americas speech?

R: Well, you know, I think John Kerry’s hotter than, uh,
John Edwards, but, you know,

TMD: John Kerry — his chin is the size of Arkansas!

R: Haha, doesn’t matter.

TMD: Yeah, and you’re competing with Teresa, she’s
got mad loot!

R: Whatever, John Kerry’s pretty hot.

TMD: Yeah, OK, OK, OK, fair enough, fair enough. Clearly, we
know how you’re voting.

R: Yes.

TMD: Would your —

R: Because you already asked me that anyway.

TMD: Yeah, I know, but we’re just — don’t get
smart with me, random interviewee! Um, all right, so final
question. We got a pretty conservative football coach here. How
would you feel if we replace Lloyd Carr with rap superstar Lloyd
Banks?

R: Hmm. That might be pretty interesting.

TMD: What do you think of — how do you think the football
games would change?

R: I really don’t know, I don’t go to football
games.

TMD: You don’t go to football games?

R: No.

TMD: Why? Too many, like, mouth-breathing Neanderthals cheering
on a bunch of steroided-up kids throwing a leather football?

R: Um, actually, in high school, I was in the marching band, and
so I went to a lot of football games, so, and then last year one
time we got up and we were playing and stuff, and some kid kicked a
field goal and I got hit in the head with the football, so football
is pretty bad for me, you know.

TMD: Why? You’ve got pretty rotten luck. You picked the
wrong Tom Waits album and you got hit in the head from a football,
so. Well, thanks a lot, you’ll see this in the paper. Word,
life.

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