The Michigan Daily: Hey, is Vikram there?
Random: This is Carlos.
TMD: Hi, this is Neal from The Michigan Daily. You’ve been randomly selected to participate in the Weekend Magazine’s Random Student Interview. After a little hiatus, the Interview is finally back … you must be more excited than George W. at a “snow party.”
R: Ooh, a snow party! So, how come I’m the lucky one?
TMD: As just implied, you were selected randomly.
R: Well, this is just a joke, but yeah, I’ll do it.
TMD: Good. So, I just turned 21 a couple of days ago; I’m totally lit right now. Ha ha, just kidding; that would obstruct my journalistic integrity.
What’s been up with you lately? Anything exciting in your life?
R: Not on this campus.
TMD: Did you vote last week?
R: Of course not. I hate politicians.
TMD: So political punditry doesn’t make you excited?
R: Definitely not.
TMD: What do you think of the tense political situation on campus?
R: It makes me want to cry.
TMD: What aspect of American culture truly disturbs you?
R: Fast food.
TMD: Have you ever defecated on someone’s visage?
R: Can’t say that I have.
TMD: Then has your countenance ever been tainted with fecal matter?
R: What the hell is “countenance?”
TMD: Never mind – not important.
Do you know what the spice of life is?
R: The Spice Girls.
TMD: Have you ever been in the doghouse?
R: In the doghouse? Um, no.
TMD: Have you ever been inside a penal colony?
R: No, no, I haven’t.
TMD: Do you have any penile dysfunctions?
R: Nah.
TMD: Who is your favorite political villain?
R: Does that include people from the past?
TMD: Yeah, sure.
R: Hmm, who was the worst Republican? I say Reagan.
TMD: Favorite Disney villain?
R: Uh, Bambi.
TMD: Bambi? But he was so sweet and cute. Why him?
R: Because he should have unselfishly given himself to the hunters for food.
TMD: Have you ever had the opportunity to freebase anything?
R: What does “freebase” mean?
TMD: It’s probably better that you don’t know.
Do you have hair on the palms of your hands?
R: What causes that?
TMD: You’re an inquisitive one.
R: Yes, I am.
TMD: A bit uniformed, though. But that’s OK.
When was the last time you wanted to rage against a machine?
R: At the ATM.
TMD: Do you know any good tofu recipes?
R: No, I only eat flesh.
TMD: Briefly explain, to the best of your ability, the notion of moral relativism.
R: Oh man, I’m totally lost.
TMD: Do you ever hitch rides on passing bandwagons?
R: Nope.
TMD: Do you worship multiple gods?
R: No, just Vishnu.
TMD: Is it better to be a martyr or a cynic?
R: Martyr.
TMD: What is one thing you hope to accomplish before middle age?
R: I’d like to be on a professional bowling team.
TMD: Where do you think we go after the long, strange trip?
R: To where?
TMD: You know, like … uh, I dunno. OK, scrap that one.
How do you pick yourself up when you’re feeling down?
R: I turn my frowns upside down.
TMD: Ha. Witty, too.
Do you get pissed when your unmentionables itch in public?
R: For sure.
TMD: In closing, tell me what you think groups on campus should do to enjoy harmony with one another.
R: Listen to good music and roast Marshmallows.