The Michigan Daily: Hey, is Vikram there?

Random: This is Carlos.

TMD: Hi, this is Neal from The Michigan Daily. You’ve been randomly selected to participate in the Weekend Magazine’s Random Student Interview. After a little hiatus, the Interview is finally back … you must be more excited than George W. at a “snow party.”

R: Ooh, a snow party! So, how come I’m the lucky one?

TMD: As just implied, you were selected randomly.

R: Well, this is just a joke, but yeah, I’ll do it.

TMD: Good. So, I just turned 21 a couple of days ago; I’m totally lit right now. Ha ha, just kidding; that would obstruct my journalistic integrity.

What’s been up with you lately? Anything exciting in your life?

R: Not on this campus.

TMD: Did you vote last week?

R: Of course not. I hate politicians.

TMD: So political punditry doesn’t make you excited?

R: Definitely not.

TMD: What do you think of the tense political situation on campus?

R: It makes me want to cry.

TMD: What aspect of American culture truly disturbs you?

R: Fast food.

TMD: Have you ever defecated on someone’s visage?

R: Can’t say that I have.

TMD: Then has your countenance ever been tainted with fecal matter?

R: What the hell is “countenance?”

TMD: Never mind – not important.

Do you know what the spice of life is?

R: The Spice Girls.

TMD: Have you ever been in the doghouse?

R: In the doghouse? Um, no.

TMD: Have you ever been inside a penal colony?

R: No, no, I haven’t.

TMD: Do you have any penile dysfunctions?

R: Nah.

TMD: Who is your favorite political villain?

R: Does that include people from the past?

TMD: Yeah, sure.

R: Hmm, who was the worst Republican? I say Reagan.

TMD: Favorite Disney villain?

R: Uh, Bambi.

TMD: Bambi? But he was so sweet and cute. Why him?

R: Because he should have unselfishly given himself to the hunters for food.

TMD: Have you ever had the opportunity to freebase anything?

R: What does “freebase” mean?

TMD: It’s probably better that you don’t know.

Do you have hair on the palms of your hands?

R: What causes that?

TMD: You’re an inquisitive one.

R: Yes, I am.

TMD: A bit uniformed, though. But that’s OK.

When was the last time you wanted to rage against a machine?

R: At the ATM.

TMD: Do you know any good tofu recipes?

R: No, I only eat flesh.

TMD: Briefly explain, to the best of your ability, the notion of moral relativism.

R: Oh man, I’m totally lost.

TMD: Do you ever hitch rides on passing bandwagons?

R: Nope.

TMD: Do you worship multiple gods?

R: No, just Vishnu.

TMD: Is it better to be a martyr or a cynic?

R: Martyr.

TMD: What is one thing you hope to accomplish before middle age?

R: I’d like to be on a professional bowling team.

TMD: Where do you think we go after the long, strange trip?

R: To where?

TMD: You know, like … uh, I dunno. OK, scrap that one.

How do you pick yourself up when you’re feeling down?

R: I turn my frowns upside down.

TMD: Ha. Witty, too.

Do you get pissed when your unmentionables itch in public?

R: For sure.

TMD: In closing, tell me what you think groups on campus should do to enjoy harmony with one another.

R: Listen to good music and roast Marshmallows.

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