The Michigan Daily: Hi, is Heather there?

Random: No, can I take a message?

TMD: Well, here’s the thing. My name is Graham and I’m from The Michigan Daily. I’m trying to do the Random Student Interview. You want to do it?

R: Sure.

TMD: Cool, what’s your name?

R: Emily.

TMD: So what did you do for St. Patrick’s Day?

R: I went out.

TMD: Where?

R: A bar with some of my friends.

TMD: Which bar?

R: The Out Bar. Even though I’m not gay, and neither are any of my friends.

TMD: How was it?

R: It was great.

TMD: Are you at all Irish?

R: Yeah, I’m a quarter Irish.

TMD: What percentage of men wearing “Kiss Me I’m Irish” merchandise got any type of action at all?

R: That depends on how hot they are.

TMD: Okay, say they are semi-attractive. Not hideous, but not models.

R: 50 percent.

TMD: Just because of a pin?

R: Yeah.

TMD: Okay, same question basically, but this time the percentage of women who get lucky?

R: 75 percent.

TMD: Have you ever made out with someone because of their nationality?

R: No.

TMD: Do you find accents sexy?

R: Yes.

TMD: What else do you find attractive?

R: Oh I don’t know, guys who can think.

TMD: What about guys named Jeff who work at movie theaters?

R: I’m not sure, I’d have to see about that.

TMD: Just curious. Do you think that this attack on Iraq is some sort of Oedipal complex-induced attempt by George Jr. to prove to his mother that he could do what George Sr. couldn’t?

R: Oh, I don’t know, but it may play a small factor. It’s a valid theory.

TMD: Are you a sex kitten?

R: No.

TMD: Do you know any good jokes?

R: Not really.

TMD: What animal do you think has the biggest nose?

R: A toucan.

TMD: What is your least attractive feature?

R: I don’t know, probably that I’m sort of obsessive-compulsive.

TMD: Do you ever give guys the “wink and the gun” when you’re interested? Let me know if you need an explanation for that.

R: I’d like to hear you explain it.

TMD: Basically, you make eye contact and give a wink while at the same time with your hand, I like to use the right hand, you make a little pistol and shoot it.

R: I’m pretty sure I don’t do that.

TMD: What about at girls?

R: No.

TMD: Just covering all the bases. Where are you from originally?

R: I’m from DeWitt, Michigan.

TMD: What’s the greatest thing about growing up in DeWitt?

R: The fact that we call it D-Town.

TMD: How often do you skip class per month?

R: Well there’s one class I skip all the time. So probably like five classes.

TMD: Would you be willing to share what class that is?

R: Psych 111. I read the book though.

TMD: Do you have any nicknames? Feel free to include sexual ones, too. Don’t hold back.

R: Um, not really.

TMD: If Michael Jackson and Prince got in a fight, who would win?

R: I don’t know, I think they’d both wind up cat-fighting like girls. There would be nail scratching and both of them would end up crying.

TMD: Okay, now Michael Jackson has his special glove on, who wins?

R: Michael Jackson.

TMD: Okay, now Michael Jackson has a legion of his children behind him, and Prince has every model who for some reason has found him attractive and slept with him.

R: I think it would be a tie because they’d probably each be distracted.

TMD: Okay, now it’s old school, pre-plastic surgery MJ vs. Prince?

R: Old school.

TMD: Now it’s you vs. Michael Jackson?

R: Probably me.

TMD: Do you have a boyfriend?

R: No.

TMD: Anything you want to say to anyone in print? This is free space in the newspaper.

R: Can I give a shout out to my VT Hoes?

TMD: Sure. What are your plans for the summer?

R: Um, I’m sticking around and taking classes.

TMD: What do you study?

R: History.

TMD: Do gypsies scare you?

R: A little bit.

TMD: What about clowns?

R: Oh yes, oh yes, I’m terrified of clowns. I was one of those screaming kids at the circus.

TMD: How do you feel about the safety net for tightrope walkers? Should they get a safety net?

R: Oh yeah.

TMD: What percentage of you is hoping that the tiger bites down when the trainer puts his head in the tiger’s mouth? Be honest.

R: That’s a horrible question.

TMD: Come on now. Be honest.

R: 10 percent.

TMD: If you cold ride an elephant or a cheetah, which would it be. Assume that we have constructed a special saddle for you which would somehow not hinder the cheetah in reaching its maximum speed, somewhere in the 70 miles- per-hour range.

R: I’d like to say I’d go with the cheetah, but I’m a wuss so I’d go with the elephant.

TMD: What scares you more, bats or spiders?

R: Spiders.

TMD: Spiders or snakes?

R: That’s a tie.

TMD: Snakes or old men?

R: Snakes.

TMD: Okay, that was fantastic. Thanks a lot. Look for this Thursday.

R: Cool. Have a good evening.

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