Pamela Anderson’s annual breakup came a little late this year. After only three months of marriage to Michigan’s proudest white-trash hick-hopper, Kid Rock, the aging playmate filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. Ironically, the two were recently named GQ’s newlyweds of the year. In a year of unexpected celebrity breakups, this one comes as no surprise to anyone with a computer and a penchant for home videos.
According to the New York Post’s Page Six columns, Kid Rock got visibly angry after a private screening of “Borat,” yelling, “You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut! How could you do that movie?” in front the other viewers. Bret Michaels, Tommy Lee and now Kid Rock. Anderson’s slept with and broken up with her own shit-metal band and has the diseases to prove it. “Headbanger’s Ball” isn’t a show; it’s what she wakes up next to each morning.
Coming of her own trashy divorce, Britney Spears is attempting to resurrect what little career and respectable image she has left. She might need a little guidance, however, as she’s turned to Paris Hilton as her late-night party companion. It’s indicative of Spears’s public freefall that she’s latched onto the despised Hilton to gain some noteworthy press and improve her image. Last time she put herself next to a publicity-starved, moronic figure (with dubious looks who spent all his time siphoning money from family members so they could drink, smoke and dance), she got divorced.
Fellow idol to prepubescent girls with poor taste, Hilary Duff recently ended her relationship with Joel Madden of Good Charlotte. They started dating two years ago when Duff was only 17, and fortunately managed to avoid any pop-punk collaboration that would have easily found a home in the interrogation chambers of Guantanamo Bay. Madden announced the breakup while DJ-ing at a nightclub, and later reports indicated that the age difference of nearly eight years was a significant factor. The thrill just goes away once they’re legal.
Duff’s weight loss during the relationship (score one for critical boyfriends) didn’t come even close to Nicole Richie’s withering figure. The ugly one on “The Simple Life” got into a recent spat with her former stylist, who purportedly encouraged the weight drop. Richie eventually realized her problem and addressed the issue, gaining some of the pounds she had lost. But even the most sympathetic people cheered on the annoying “actress” as she got smaller and smaller, to the point where, hopefully, she would just disappear.
“30 Rock” star Tracy Morgan inched closer to the eccentric persona he plays on television with his second DUI of the year. Rather than facing prison for violating his probation, he rejected a plea deal and will face trial. Morgan was stopped on New York’s Hudson Parkway after a cop saw him weaving between lanes. The cop smelled booze on his breath, saw the bloodshot eyes and decided to charge.
Cops stopped another, less famous TV personality earlier this month. “Growing Up Gotti” star, Frank Agnello, took enough time to step away from reinforcing any possible derogatory New York Italian stereotypes to run a red light. Agnello, who stood out as the spoiled, perma-tan grandson of mafia Don John Gotti was caught with weed, Oxycontin and morphine in his 2006 Chrysler Pacifica.
Let’s see: John Gotti makes his name by brutally intimidating all enemies in order to become New York’s most powerful don and inflates his image with gaudy suits and cars. His grandson, meanwhile, makes his name driving erratically in a soccer mom car carrying fucking Rush Limbaugh’s drug of choice.
THUG. FOR. LIFE.
– Mattoo will be the first Arts writer to score a date with Paris Hilton. E-mail him at email@example.com.