Only two weeks into the New Year and the media has latched onto an entertainment story that will saturate tabloids, TV shows and blogs for the next nine months. Speculation on Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy was already in the air for at least a few weeks before their announcement that she is, indeed, carrying Brad Pitt’s child. Soccer moms and housewives everywhere were further incensed when Jennifer Aniston’s publicist announced that the couple didn’t contact Pitt’s former wife. Instead, she had to find out like the rest of us. Pitt might need to prepare for Tom Cruise-esque fall from fame; he’s managed to offend every member of his core constituency in about a week. Dropping America’s sweetheart and impregnating Jolie, who’s destined to save a few orphans with him before promptly getting bored or drinking his blood, might end up being Pitt’s worst career move, unless he attempts awesome Irish stereotypes (see “The Devil’s Own”).

Angela Cesere

Other divorce announcements came from Oscar-winner Hilary Swank and diminutive husband and “actor,” Chad Lowe. A long string of Lifetime-worthy films for Lowe coupled with Swank’s rising fame may have placed too great a stress upon the relationship. Another possible factor? Lowe’s realization that he had married a man.

With Swank no longer paying the bills, Lowe may need to turn to the simplest way for a jilted ex to gain revenge and make a quick buck: release a sex tape. Fortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any indication of one coming out, but one involving Colin Farrell is a different story. Long rumored to exist, the recording of pre-beer gut Farrell and Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain was uploaded on DirtyColin.com this week. After a legal injunction, the site prematurely went down (in a perverted life-imitating-art situation).

And what do these sex tapes lead to besides a little notoriety and the adulation of teenage boys everywhere? Babies! And in Juvenile’s case, a little baby mama drama too. A “trick-ass ho,” as he would affectionately call her, had the New Orleans rapper arrested because he neglected to pay his child support. With masterpieces like “Slow Motion” (sample lyric: “If you going through your cycle / I ain’t with it, I’m gone”), Juvenile faces the possibility of jail time and is likely already beginning to regret ever writing every dance chaperone’s nightmare, “Back That Azz Up.”

Fellow blonde Lindsay Lohan made a name for herself in 2005, and she’s carried over into the new year, likely breaking some of her resolutions already. First there was her appearance on “The Tonight Show,” during which she jumped up at the end of Juelz Santana’s set and did her best imitation of that freshman girl a little too desperate for a attention at a frat party. Then there was the Vanity Fair article in which she admitted to having an eating disorder and dabbling in a few drugs, but was on the road to recovery (of her breasts, mainly). Nothing too special here. Except, of course, that Lohan recounted her interview. Vanity Fair has stood by the story, claiming everything Lohan said is on tape.

The best was saved for this past week when notorious media blog Gawker.com reported that Lohan went into a New York nightclub’s bathroom and scrawled “Scarlett (Johansson) is a bloody cunt” with a signed “L” to boot.

The night didn’t end there though.

The New York Post’s Page Six recounted witness’ stories of Lohan and model martyr Kate Moss climbing on stage at New York’s premier strip club, Scores, dancing (clothed, sadly) and caressing each other. Surprisingly, the skeletal duo managed to avoid mistaking each other for stripper poles. Not in attendance was Scores fixture and former Zairian superstar, Dikembe Mutombo, who didn’t get to use the legendary “Who wants to sex Mutombo” pickup line he called upon during his days at Georgetown.

Lohan out of her gourd. Swank single. Juve takin’ care of his various wifeys. And Mutombo, thank god for Mutombo. Let’s hope this 2006 thing can stick around for a while.

 

– Any similar urges to share gossip can be indulged at mattoop@umich.edu.

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