“10,000 BC” is the most ridiculous piece of trash to come out of Hollywood in a long time. And this is coming from someone who has seen “Jumper.”

The film’s plot, or its thinly veiled excuse for one, follows a tribe known as the Yagahl, focusing mainly on D’leh (Steven Strait, “The Covenant”) and “his woman” Evolet (Camilla Belle, “When A Stranger Calls”). Naturally each member of the tribe speaks in some quasi-British accent, has perfect teeth and is amazingly clean for people who not only live in 10,000 BC but also spend much of their time rolling around in wooly mammoth droppings. That’s just nitpicking though, since most people probably wouldn’t pay to see actors who actually looked like the people who lived during that time. Moving on.

Evolet is supposed to be the girl who will bring about either the end of this entire tribe, or its revitalization. The film doesn’t really make up its mind there. Either way, she begins “the legend of the blue-eyed child.” This legend actually doesn’t ever seem to truly begin, despite the narrator – none other than the legendary actor Omar Shariff himself (seriously, Omar?) – telling us at least three separate times throughout the course of the film that, no, wait, now is the exact point when the legend truly begins.

One day, scary looking dudes from far away attack the Yagahl and abduct Evolet. This makes D’leh more than a little pissed off, as evidenced through his slightly pained expression, and he sets off on an epic (in the loosest sense of the word) quest to find her. This is mainly an excuse to show a lot of desert scenery – as the journey actually seems to last 10,000 years – and larger than life CGI animals. No doubt, this film was expensive to make, but who cares?

The film is so unbelievably laughable that it’s a shame someone didn’t suggest simply embracing the cheese and making this into a comedy. Maybe then it wouldn’t be such a big deal that most of the dialogue is met with giggles. It’s hard to blame the actors here; after all, even if Meryl Streep had to deliver dialogue like this she’d still come off sounding pretty foolish. Actually, maybe if Meryl Streep were in this there’d at least be someone to care about. Each actor looks exactly the same as the other, making it a little difficult to care about who is sacraficed.

This film’s director, Roland Emmerich of “The Day After Tomorrow” fame, is no stranger to expensively made yet completely brainless pieces of shlock. But where his previous films differ from this one is their sense of fun and excitement. “10,000 BC” manages to take millions of dollars worth of special effects combined with extravagantly staged battle scenes and turn it all into one of the most boring films of the year.

Unfortunately, this movie will probably clean up pretty well at the box office its opening weekend, much like “Jumper.” It’s a shame, with so many other great films out, that people would want to waste their money on this crap.

“10,000 BC” should suffer the same fate as much of our history: being buried in the dirt and completely forgotten.

10,000 BC

Rating:0.5 out of 5 stars

At Quality 16 and Showcase

Warner Bros.

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