Point: Gay marriage is great!

By Predator, For the Daily

The boiling political and social implications surrounding the
inflammatory issue of gay marriage are what command my attention
— and hence, this column — this week. Dear citizens of
a Free America: Let us preach against this injustice with the
fierce tenor of radical change! No longer should two loving people
— nor extra-terrestrials — be denied the basic right to
celebrate that communion publicly, to have their joy validated by
the small yet necessary tax breaks enjoyed by those linked in
“traditional” matrimony.

We mustn’t let the cogs in the conservative machine
dictate the right to happily and legally join in marriage,
especially when one of those cogs once covered his rippled chest in
oily mud and engaged in a primal, exhilarating battle with yours
truly (Arnold — you know how to reach me). Listen, I respect
the conservative factions of this country as much as the next
semi-machinated interstellar mass-murderer, but I simply must
condemn this heinous usurping of civil liberty.

I long for the day when I can walk down the street in my netted
stockings and not be mocked openly by Michael Keaton (as if!). Cat
Stevens gets better treatment on an econo-class trans-Atlantic
flight than I get in your basic sports bar.

Don’t get me wrong: It’s not like I’m …
gay, or something. Just because I keep my razor-tipped boomerangs
clean and my stockings are completely transparent and so tight they
cut off circulation to my feet doesn’t mean I need to be
ridiculed in public. I’m just standing up for the rights of
“alternative” lifestyle space-travelers (and humans!)
everywhere. Someone’s got to stick up for us … them.
If that person happens to have a few dozen Congo guerillas X-ed out
on a tattooed, muscular forearm, then so be it.

 

Counterpoint: Gay marriage is great!

By Alien, For the Daily

Of course I support gay marriage! Who in his right mind
wouldn’t? My wife Joan Van Ark and I have an extremely gay
marriage.

That’s what life’s about after all, right —
being happy? I believe every man should seek out gayness in all
facets in his life: his job, his car, his house and, of course, his
wife.

It’s like George Washington wrote in the Constitution,
“Every man should pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of
happiness.” I’m sure old George and Martha had a very
gay marriage.

I ran into my friend Scott Baio the other day at Starbucks, and
we got to talking about the election that’s coming up in a
couple of months. I couldn’t believe what he told me:
Apparently our president George Bush doesn’t support gay
marriage! I’ll always vote Republican, but this is one issue
I can’t agree with George on.

If only there were more gay marriages in our country, then maybe
our children would be better behaved. I think my kids Chip and
Debbie are turning out so well because of the loving, supportive
atmosphere created by the gay marriage Joan and I have. I
don’t want to brag, but I think we represent the American
dream: fall in love, have a gay marriage and have two beautiful,
well-behaved children.

You know who I think is behind this plot to ban gay marriage?
Obi-Wan Laden and the rest of those Iranian terrorists. They hate
our freedom, our liberty and our gayness. Having a gay marriage is
just one more way to defy those terrorists and tell them loud and
clear: These colors do not run.

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