Rash of billy goat slaughtering once again hits Chicago area. 50:1

Universal Studios greenlights sequel, “Nick and Norah’s Awkward Breakup CD.” 175:1

Samantha Ronson kicks Michael Lohan’s ass in $5,000 charity boxing match. 48:1

Next big debate: Sarah Palin vs. Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. 500:1

Spencer and Heidi on next season of “Dancing with the Stars.” 900:1

O.J. Simpson wins “Prison Heisman Trophy” as San Quentin running back. 400:1

You will get mugged walking home at night along Oakland. 20:1

The Diag preacher guy damned you to Hell. 15:1

Katy Perry agrees to cherry chapstick advertising campaign. 40:1

Harvey Weinstein makes it through Yom Kippur fast without assaulting someone. 12:1

Hanging out at the Video Game Archive will get you chicks. 1,000:1

Bristol Palin releases sex tape. 2,500:1

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