If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time here at Michigan, it’s that we can protest the crap out of anyone. If the Rose Bowl was a battle between the best protestors of two rival schools instead of the best football players, the Wolverines simply would not have lost the last two Rose Bowls. Sadly, it is not a protesting contest, and while we are left with a disappointing bowl record, it does not change the fact that we rule at protesting.I have witnessed numerous demonstrations and protests against things ranging from war, God and Coca-Cola to shooting doves, divestment and the Honorable Antonin Scalia on campus. As a hardcore member of the radical right, these protests have given me great pain, partly because I love Coca-Cola, but mostly because I know that all these protestors should be directing their rage at the villain that looms in our very own Michigan Union: Wendy’s.Much like walking across the fountain at Ingalls Mall and dancing on the “M” after completing the first blue book exam, being treated like garbage by the staff at the Union Wendy’s is a quintessential experience for students at the University. As an employee at South Quad’s Café ConXion, I know that good customer service is essential to keep people coming back to the store, unless of course they happen to live 100 feet away and will shop there out of convenience regardless of how they are treated. The folks at Wendy’s also realize that people will go places for convenience more than for good service. As a result, they are at their leisure to berate customers for doing terrible things, such as asking for ketchup.In order to have the privilege of ordering food at Wendy’s, you’d better be able to not only hear the cashier ask if they can help the next person in line over all the other commotion of the Union, but also be able to weave through the maze of people waiting for their food in a time that does not disgust the cashier. Once you place your order, be prepared to immediately be asked to step aside and to find a place to stand where you are A) not in the way of the line and B) able to hear the staff mumble that your order is ready. The Wendy’s staff is only further infuriated if you do not rapidly approach the counter to take the order they have called out. One time, I ordered the same meal as a person at the register next to me. When the order was called out, we looked at each other, both unclear as to whose it was. When he asked the woman whose it was, she responded by dropping it on the counter with an annoyed, “You decide.” It wasn’t a proud moment for me. Not only had I made the mistake of giving money to Wendy’s, I failed to grab the bag in a timely fashion and also to understand the process by which the food is distributed to the customers. I was a failure. Of course, I went back to Wendy’s the next day to try to redeem myself. I was so scared of messing up when I ordered my Big Bacon Classic without mayonnaise that I took too long and ticked off the cashier, who made sure that there would be mayonnaise on my hamburger. A failure once again.The other week, I was at a Michigan League Board of Governors meeting, and the regional managers for all the Wendy’s franchises at Michigan were giving their report. When they asked if there were any questions, I was about to ask them if they knew that the staff at the Union Wendy’s was very intimidating, but I refrained. I remembered a few years back, when a Big Bacon Classic still cost $5.04 and as luck would have it, I had exactly $5.04 left on my Entrée Plus. I explained to the cashier that the total would read $0.00 after they swiped my card because I had the exact amount left. They smiled and said all right, but when it read $0.00, they said I didn’t have any Entrée Plus and I’d have to pay for it. I sighed and paid.I did it because I love capitalism, and I realized that a giant corporation like Wendy’s has to make money in order for the world to keep turning, and if they have to do it by treating people like garbage, then I’m all for it. Heck, I’ll even pay for the same meal twice. So I ask you, BAMN, Coca-Cola Campaign, divest from Israel people and liberals everywhere, please turn your attention to the crisis at Wendy’s that affects us all. I’d help but I have to finish this Big Bacon Classic.
Adam would like to stop eating so much fast food, but he still hasn’t learned to cook anything besides Ramen noodles. Send him your favorite recipes. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.