Scene: The Grammys, 2025. Bono now very old, his once-glossy mane turned gray, stubble spotting his haggard face, those eyes looking more beady than ardent ambles to the podium. He is there to present a Lifetime Achievement Award, or some such thing.

He begins: “As you may know, it has become the tradition for the recipient of one year”s award in this category to present to the next year”s winner. And since I was presented the award last year by Eminem, I ” He trails off for a moment, confused. “Did you know they actually encourage me to curse as much as possible nowadays when I”m doing these things?”

“But I told them that that was not befitting of a man with an honorary doctorate in sociology from the University of Belfast. And speaking of sociology did you ever wonder how Dave Matthews became the most popular stoned white guy in the world?

“I mean, he was stoned cool, stoned funny, stoned dreamy, stoned pretentious. And he was most often just stoned. But he was very popular, the most popular stoned man in the world, in fact. He had a band, yes, but they weren”t really the Dave Matthews Band. No, they weren”t the DMB they were the DMC the Dave Matthews Coalition, which used to prompt the Edge to make a joke about “we”re gonna rock you from the Delta blues to the DMC ”

“Anyway, it was a coalition of white people, white people who identified with this stoned man. There were sorority girls, businessmen, wayward Peter Gabriel fans, guys who just liked that drummer, people who thought it was really fookin” cool to have a violin player and a saxophonist in a rock band, upstart hippies, your dad, his girlfriend …”

He is speaking fast now, leaning into it, on the verge of doing a slo-mo version of that swaying swoon he perfected so long ago. His brogue becomes thick. ” Bad poets, people who preferred genuinely stupid pop songs to appropriately stupid pop songs, people who made me wonder could it be that so many white people never listened to the Rolling Stones?”

He stops. Has he begun to talk about his own audience? He starts to speak again, but is ushered offstage by Justin from “N Sync, now the N.A.R.A.S. President.

The Award recipient bald, paunchy, more confused than Bono struts to the stage while his Big Hit, “I Did it,” comes over the P.A. Long time the theme song to “Entertainment Tonight,” it”s Generation Y”s “Who Are You,” permanently etched into America”s consciousness like a Pepsi slogan.

And guess what? It”s become even more fucking annoying than it is now.

Grade: C+

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