Lisa Rajt and Lyle Henretty are both LS&A undergrads, and currently serve as lowly Arts scribes at the Daily.
You may remember Lyle from his bitter ruminations about life, or caught one of his frequent appearances on campus drinking coffee at Amer”s or doing homework at the library.
Lisa is fondly known around campus as “that girl who wrote the article on how to get laid,” and is introduced in such a manner when meeting new people at parties. She is also an resident advisor at West Quad (1st and 2nd Rumsey in the house!), and her last name is pronounced “right.”
Lisa: We be comin” at ya hard core wit” some straight-up shit, yo!!! (Translation: We”re going to provide the University student body with realistic advice based on sound judgment and good ideas. Or something.)
Lyle: The only reason I”m doing this is because I think that it was an asinine idea to have an advice column in the first place, yet I feel compelled to prevent it from falling completely into the estrogen-laced hands of my esteemed (read: pathetic) colleague Lisa Rajt. Yeah, just what we need, some crap-spewing Ann Lander”s wanna-be answering questions from people with no real friends. You want advice? I”ll give you advice.
Lisa: You”re just jealous because I can get laid on a regular basis.
Lyle: Ah, I see she”s as mature as she is intelligent. On a weekly basis, right here in the Weekend etc., Lisa and I will answer your questions about whatever you”re too confused and/or dumb to work out on your own. Lisa will tell you what your mom would tell you, and I”ll tell you the honest-to-God answers that you need to remain a productive member of society.
Lisa: Would your mom divulge her secrets on everything from how to maintain your GPA while getting trashed every night, to grabbing the attention of that hot guy in your psych class? Would your mom tell you everything you want to know about sex, drugs and rock n” roll? I”ll give you solid advice about how to survive each day here with success and a feeling of personal self-worth. Or something like that. And unlike my esteemed (read: no-talent ass-clown) colleague, I”ll be nice about it!
Lyle: You want advice on how to “survive” the University? Don”t cross Huron without looking both ways. Don”t walk up to a basketball player and say “You guys suck.” Don”t drink the open beer that some jackass just handed you. There, that”s simple. Is this column over yet?
Lisa: Not by a long shot, buck-o. Why don”t we give our readers a sample of what we”ll be doing every week (besides getting our groove on to the Taste of Ghetto Love CD in the Arts room, while consuming large quantities of alcohol and helping Lyle overcome his rubber doll fetish). The long and winding road that inquiries will travel down before gracing the pages of The Michigan Daily is as follows: Basically, you”re going to e-mail us at email@example.com. We”re going to pick the most profound and interesting (read: easy to poke fun at) questions, and then answer them in this charming and entertaining he-said, she-said format.
Lyle: Oh great, yeah, really glad that you made a reference to a bad Kevin Bacon movie there, Lisa. Just what I wanted to be associated with, why don”t we just name this column “Crap on a Stick?” Anyway, here is an advanced question that we got from an alert reader who actually saw our tease in the Weekend before break:
Dear Lyle & Lisa,
What is the meaning of life?
Fretting on South Forest
Lisa: You know what, I have no clue. I”m really sorry (hey, at least I”m being honest!). I was kind of expecting that people”s questions would run more along the lines of “What should I buy my girlfriend for her birthday?,” not one of the most profound and vexing questions in all of humanity. I guess if forced, I”d say that the meaning of life is to impact as many people as possible in the most positive manner that you can. Or something.
Lyle: We are here, Lisa, to answer people”s questions, so I think that you should try a little harder next time. I will definitively tell Frettin” and the rest of the world that the meaning of life is drinking a 40-ounce Colt 45 and eating pizza while watching “70s slasher movies. Prove me wrong. God, I hate people.
Lisa: Okay, uhhh, moving on. e-mail us with your inquiries about anything at all. E-mail us and tell us whether or not you like us. e-mail us and tell us which one of us is hotter, so I can collect themoney from the pool going around the Arts office and go home.
Lyle: Alright, try to make your questions at least interesting, or dumb enough that we can mock you for the nihilist that you must be to write to us at all.