“Rocking out to Beyoncé’s new album while studying for my finals. All hail Queen Bey!”

Illustration by Megan Mulholland
Illustration by Megan Mulholland

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This is essentially all I saw on social media for two weeks of school during fall semester.

While I wanted to join in on the fun, I felt like listening to the Queen would distract me from studying for the fast-approaching final exams and just tempt me into singing the entirety of Destiny’s Child songbook.

It wasn’t time to cater 2 u, Bey. I’m sorry.

But today, right now, Jan. 13th, 2014, it is time.

I originally wanted to watch all the music videos that came along with the self-titled album, BEYONCÉ, but I realized I had already spent a good amount of the day on Beyoncé’s Instagram. It was time to let my ears enjoy. My eyes had seen enough for the day.

Get at me, girl. #NP #Beyoncé

Wow. Beyoncé is coming out hot with this first track, “Pretty Hurts.” She’s joking that pretty hurts though, right? Beyoncé knows she’s Beyoncé, right? Did Jay Z say something mean to you, Bey? I can be back in Brooklyn in a snap if you need me.

“Haunted” is spooky. I won’t lie. Is it bad, though, that when I listen to this song all I see is Patrick Swayze’s character from “Ghost” in real life gliding all over the world watching people. I’m onto you, Bey. “Roadhouse” is one of my favorite movies, too. Much respect.

Just put “Drunk in Love” on. Already feel a rich connection to this song. Guess I just have partying on my mind — or as Bey pointed out in her track “Party,” WE LIKE TO PARTY. Do you think Beyoncé would be down with being my date this weekend? I know it’s not a night out on the town with Jay — “Brooklyn” — but a random house on Geddes with free Backroom Pizza and unlimited carrots is a tempting alternative.

Alright, Beyoncé just said she “woke up in a kitchen.” Beyoncé is clearly foreshadowing my weekend.

Why did Bey just say surfboard three times? Please don’t blackout. Please don’t blackout. Answer me, Beyoncé.

Jay Z just popped up on the track. He’s on to me. Skipping ahead now.

Wait, did ‘Yoncé just say this album is just for all the “grown women out there?” Do I have to call my mom now, or whatever, to get special permission moving forward?

Moving on, “No Angel.” First of all, I am an angel. Second of all, if you’re saying you aren’t one, I can help fix that. But you need to stop saying I’m not an angel if you want my help. Bey. Bey. Bey. Clearly you’re not listening to me. Whatever.

Got to be honest, that track just made me upset. But I see my favorite Canadian rapper, Drake, is featured four tracks from now, so I’ll give you a second chance.

Where is this penthouse? I know I just ate dinner, but after listening to “Jealous,” I seem to have room for dessert.

Siri, search for Beyoncé’s penthouse, Brooklyn, N.Y. Hello? Siri?

Now finally, “Mine,” feat. Drake. Why did I know Drake would sound exactly this way when I saw he was featured in the song? I know he has intentions of upstaging Beyoncé here, but his voice fading in and out of the song is just so Drizzy.

OK, all he says is “good girl.” I get it Mr. OVO. Do you have anything else to say? Glad to see you put a lot of effort into your lines, sir. This is not even close to the best you’ve ever had. You can do better, Aubrey, and you know it.

I know the point of “XO” isn’t necessarily about losing electricity, but telling me I can “turn (your) lights out” is a bit misleading. I think Beyoncé is blackout, guys. I will NEVER let you lose power, Beyoncé. If such an event were to ever occur I would find you, light a candle and make sure you can see forever.

It’s been an emotional couple of hours till this point, but I’m not even going to question Beyoncé on the notion that she “woke up like this.”


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