“My Bloody Valentine 3-D”
At the Showcase and Quality 16

Courtesy of Lionsgate

1 out of 5 stars

“My Bloody Valentine 3D” is a rip-off in more than one way. Not only is it a horribly plotted, generic and exploitative piece of shit, it demonstrates Hollywood’s complete lack of originality by both remaking an obscure 1981 slasher movie and resorting to the age-old and long-defunct ploy of 3D to boot. And another thing: It actually has the audacity to hold out its palm and ask for more money in return.

At Quality 16, there was an extra fee of $2 to compensate for this “state of the art” 3D experience (the fee varies depending on the theater). Even in a time of prosperity, charging an extra fee for a slasher film would be a laughable idea. But to charge extra when the economy is as bad as it is now — especially for a film as crappy as this — is downright criminal.

As with most slasher movies, the plot is simple. Jensen Ackles (TV’s “Supernatural”) plays Tom, the son of a deceased mine owner who returns to his hometown to sell his father’s business. He’s still in love with his old flame, played by Jaime King (“Sin City”). The thing is, she’s married to his old friend Axel (Kerr Smith, “Final Destination”), who has somehow managed to become sheriff even though he looks like he’s fresh out of college and wouldn’t know the difference between a handgun and a blow-dryer. Meanwhile, there’s a killer running around, dismembering innocent bystanders with a pickax and sending their dislodged hearts to the police in candy boxes.

To be fair, “MBV 3D” is entertaining for its first third. But it’s still the kind of trashy movie that is completely devoid of any sense of good taste or subtlety. Perhaps this is most evident in the scene where one unlucky lass, completely naked expect for a pair of stiletto heels, runs around a motel screaming her head off as the masked maniac closes in on her. It’s beyond ridiculous, but it’s also humorous and, yes, entertaining.

Unfortunately, as the film progresses it suffers the same fate as a lot of drawn-out slasher films: It becomes boring. Honestly, once you’ve seen one masked maniac chopping up brainless victims, you’ve seen them all. “MBV 3D” doesn’t just adhere to the formula — it inadvertently spoofs it. It’s perhaps the most insipid, pandering and generic slasher movie imaginable.

Clearly, a filmgoer has to have a sense of humor when it comes to slasher movies. But at this point, when the sub-genre has been virtually hacked to death by every country in every setting imaginable, the filmmakers have to have a sense of humor as well. 2006’s “Hatchet” was a good example of a slasher movie that could be scary, fun and smart. “MBV 3D,” on the other hand, takes itself painfully seriously, never realizing how stupid it really is. The film just doesn’t grasp what makes the genre work. There’s no tension, no atmosphere and no originality whatsoever. It relies solely on splashy gore effects and sleazy elements to keep the audience awake. It’s lazy, offensive filmmaking.

With all that said, what about the 3D? After all, that’s the gimmick that will presumably draw the crowds, right? Unfortunately, the entire film is in 3D, meaning it feels like you’re looking at a hologram for two hours, and the occasional flying pickax or geyser of blood aside, the effects just aren’t that impressive. In fact, they’re distracting rather than thrilling.

“My Bloody Valentine 3D” could very well be the epitome of Hollywood laziness. Then again, maybe that’s giving more credit than what this frankly inconsequential film really deserves.

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