I know, I know — the last thing you want to hear right now is more election coverage. But I do want to offer a big congratulations to, um … Barack Obama! That was one hell of a fight you put up on your way to the White House and I really do think you represent change we can believe in. (Just in case: Congratulations, John McCain! You truly are a maverick and … holy God, we are so, so fucked with you in office.)
But now that it’s all over, it’s time we look ahead to 2012. This election saw a revival in musical acts writing songs in support of their candidates of choice, and 2012 will be no different. So in honor of the reemergence of political tunes, below is a list of fictitious songs I predict will make a big splash in the 2012 presidential election.
Jamie Lynn Spears: “Impregnate Me Baby One More Time (I Won’t Abort the Fetus Cuz That’s Wrong)”: After much controversy and her fourth term pregnancy in as many years, Jamie Lynn Spears decides to piggyback on her big sister’s big hit and releases a song condemning abortion. Longshot Republican candidate Marc Racicot brings Spears and her four children along on the campaign trail and uses the track as a spearhead for his platform. Asked to comment on the song’s legitimacy, Racicot says, “Eh, I need some teen voters and the song’s pretty catchy — as far as songs about not aborting fetuses go. It’s just so catchy. We need more pro-fetus teeny-pop hits.”
Interpol: “Turned to Blue and Red” One of the most cryptic and controversial songs of the campaign comes from Interpol. Though championed early on as a power anthem for Democratic policy, (Paul Banks singing, “The blue has come for me / Time to dance in the grain farm of our hearts”) Republicans later claim the song actually encourages less government, privatized medicine and big yachts (“Red for me, always / Privacy in my meds / My yachts lounge in waters of truce and gumweed”). When confronted about the meaning of the song, Banks shrugs and asks, “Um, what do you think?” After no response from the reporter, Banks says, “Exactly.” In the end, both political parties release statements distancing themselves from the track, Democratic National Committee Chair Howard Dean stating, “Seriously, we have no idea what the hell those fuckers are singing about anymore. At all.”
Ludacris: “(Trust Me) I’m Still Relevant”: After being paid $3 million by Ralph Nader, Ludacris releases “(Trust Me) I’m Still Relevant” as a forceful rhapsody for Nader’s last attempt at the White House. However, in a humorous twist, the track is actually mistaken as an attempt for Luda to stress his own legitimacy. The telling lyric, “You might remember me / from 2003 / I didn’t mess it up / still here, baby? / Kinda? Yup!” is much discussed in the hip-hop and political worlds, but finally branded as a reflection of Luda’s fledgling career. Nader, infuriated the song doesn’t reflect his campaign more aptly, states, “Though he even sucked at doing this song correctly, I think this is probably best for everyone in the end.”
Jens Lekman: “Drive-In Diner with My Friend, FDR” Lekman, continuing his streak of releasing songs that invoke memories of the old, shockingly endorses Franklin Roosevelt for the White House in 2012. In the track, Lekman sings, “Birmingham, Tuscaloosa, all for us, my friend, all those diners / Come with me, my FDR, come to see Washington D.C., presidency.” Though the song receives praise from most critics as a quaint period piece that revisits the sounds and ideals of old, critics explain at the end of the year that no one cares about FDR anymore, nor Jens Lekman’s music.
Johnny Cash: “She’s All Right with Me”: Pulling some serious 2pac shit, Johnny Cash somehow releases a song in 2012 in favor of Republican candidate Sarah Palin. Though dismissed as someone’s playful attempt with audio mixing technology at first, “She’s All Right with Me” instantly becomes the talk of the political music circuit due to the powerful lines “She may be a bit dumb and from a state with oil / She may be a bit slow and unsure of what is soil / But that ole broad Palin in all her Tina Fey glory, / Well that good girl Palin, well she’s all right with me.” Palin goes on to use the song at every appearance and function as her entry music, and is quoted as saying, “That Johnny Cash — we just have the best get-togethers together every other weekend. Good friend of mine. Good friend.” Cash, somehow later in rebuttal, releases “Palin, You Egg-Sucking Dog,” and is never heard from again.
Times New Viking: “Break” Originally released on the band’s 2011 LP On Time Today, “Break” comes to critics’ attention as a pro-Obama-reelection song when numerous music writers kinda sorta maybe possibly hear singer Beth Murphy belt, “Ba-Bama, yeah, Bama, Obama for me.” However, when asked for further explanation and an endorsement, Murphy and the band only release a statement stating: “We’re not sure what you heard, but the correct lyric is ‘Na-mana, ahh, nana, gah, oh-ee.’ Not sure how that is confusing at all.” Later, potential Republican candidate Fred Thompson claims he too hears support of his campaign in the track, but even Bill O’Reilly tells him to shut his mouth and to go sit at the little kid’s table for the remainder of the election.
Emery can be reached at email@example.com