Humor is quite possibly the most important natural resource the world has right now. To make people laugh is therapeutic and can connect human beings to one another, force them to see the folly of division and bring them together to rally for truth and justice. Sadly, some of us need to maintain utter seriousness and poise to discuss the true problems in America today. While I would love to wax sillily on random topics of little importance, if only to improve morale, I understand my place as a journalist is simply to tell the truth and bring to light thought and discussion of current, unrelentingly pressing topics, such as movies I hate.
Before your feelings of utter abandon and hopelessness encompass the entire afternoon, I must impress upon you the fact that this is for the masses, and if my instructions are followed properly, life will improve for all Americans. Movies that I hate are a scourge to our fair country, and Hollywood must quit making them. While it is self evident that I hate them, the implication is that, as a respected film critic and social commentator, I have my finger on the heartbeat of the world, and that movies I hate are an affront to us all. In certain cases, it is simply a lone film that must be annexed from public recollection and never repeated. Worse, though, is when entire genres begin a downward spiral away from the film-canister and into the waste-paper basket. Too many good people have lost all sense of decency and moral turpitude in one deplorable genre film after another (I”m looking at you, Mr. Cusak). Space dictates that I may only discuss a handful of offenders, but for a full list of all movies that I hate, please write to your congressperson, for they have all been supplied with a copy and are trained in expressing my thoughts on the matter.
Dirty Dancing The problems of this film are so broad and far-reaching that I”m hesitant as to where to start. How about the plot? Rich girl (who happens to be as sexually suppressed as a Diet Coke in the freezer) falls in love with a poor “bad” dude with a heart of gold. Originality wouldn”t touch this film if it were dying and needed water. Also, note the “sarcastic” quotation marks around the word “bad.” This is because the “bad” boy is a dancer. An evil dancer. Don”t think about that too hard, or the vein in your eyebrow may pop off. Seriously, the chemistry between Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze is similar to the chemistry between my parents after my dad gets ripped and spends Christmas Eve with mom”s best friend. This movie is the cinematic equivalent of slicing off your nipple and pouring folic acid into the wound.
Saving Private Ryan Yes, the beach-storming opening is a technical marvel, but it is simply a chocolate kiss stirred into a watery bowl of cream of wheat. The dialogue would have sounded stilted had the film been released in 1945, and I have a sneaking feeling that it may have been written by the folks that write car stereo instructions. A film that proposed to be so realistic should, by some stretch of the imagination, have a character that wasn”t delivered in a box. I would have had more respect for Spielberg if he had named his characters “The Irish Guy,” “The Crazy Guy” and “The Tom Hanks.” Just watch the first first 20 minutes of this film, and then watch “Dr. Strangelove.” It”ll be a better viewing experience and save you nearly an hour. Which reminds, Hanks, you”re already in trouble for …
Forrest Gump This flick is like a box of chocolates: Overpriced, overwrought, full of crappy bad acting and so bad that I”d rather start hanging out at the Dental School on Friday nights than ever have to watch this tripe again. This movie claims that you can do anything if you just put your mind to it. Yeah, and if you also happen to be fictional. In real life, Forrest would have been an amiable man who cleaned floors or dropped french fries and would have been killed in the war. Period. Undebatable. The sap-fest of a film was spawned directly from the pages of “How to Make Idiots Cry For Dummies.” There”s nothing magical about this movie the triumph of the human spirit should not manifest itself through talking to powerful men about urine. When this film won “Best Picture” I died inside.
The Patriot Now, far be it from me to pick on Mel or anything pro-America, but I take this arrogant vanity-project as the prime example of why Hollywood should never be allowed to make an epic again, ever. This goes double for Ridley Scott. Who decreed that that movies had to include long shots of open fields and an obligitory shot of the male lead with a tear in his eye to win an Oscar? “Citizen Kane” was an epic that spanned a life, and it only took two hours. And where”s Costner? Give it up, I didn”t know any human being was capable of doling out so much abuse to both himself and others! “The Postman” was worse than that time I had shingles. These movies insult the audience as well as their subjects, if historical. WWII vets should re-call to arms and attack Jerry Bruckheimer”s house. He is the A-number-one culprit of slinging this trash down our throats. I would rather donate my own leg than have to sit through one more second of Ben Affleck looking thoughtful.
Lyle is 100 percent right, but if you disagree, e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org