Once in a lifetime a film comes along that brilliantly captures the human spirit. “Blood and Chocolate” wants to be that soulful tale, exposing through metaphor how society’s prejudices towards one minority group can destroy us all.

Angela Cesere
(Insert lame joke about liking it “ruff” here.) (Courtesy of MGM)

It’s also a really crappy movie about werewolves.

Oh, where to even begin? How about Romania? Somewhere in Bucharest, the future werewolf queen Vivian (Agnes Bruckner, “Blue Car”) falls in love with starving artist Aidan (Hugh Dancy, “Basic Instinct 2”), much to the distress of her betrothed, werewolf king Gabriel (Oliver Martinez “S.W.A.T.”). It’s like an interspecies Romeo and Juliet, except not. At all.

It’s not clear what this movie is trying to be. The few action scenes largely involve humans fighting live wolves with silver butter knives, which isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds. Rather than hulking, computer-animated monsters, the wolves are real and actually kind of cute; it’s hard to root against them. The equally uninspired romantic plot involves a montage of the happy couple literally lying in grass fields, playing in fountains and dancing in the streets, which, obviously, leads to love. Forbidden werewolf love.

Being a werewolf, by the way, is awesome. You can drink all the absinth you want and attend gothic raves where everyone dances in slow motion like they’re being attacked by invisible bats (possibly due to all the absinth). Did a girl turn you down for a dance? Eat her! You’re a goddamn werewolf! And why walk down the street normally when you can leapfrog over parking meters and hop off walls for no reason? Werewolves don’t have time for sidewalks. And sure, you can leave all your clothes behind every time you transform into a wolf. Who cares? Buy new ones; werewolves are rich. They drive Maseratis!

The film also informs us that, to werewolves, “blood tastes as sweet as chocolate,” so we have a sense of comfort knowing that indeed the title was logical and not completely ridiculous as we first thought. Wait, no, it’s still a terrible, terrible idea.

What is the target audience for this movie? All the fanboys who drooled over Kate Beckensale’s spandexed ass in “Underworld” won’t be nearly as pleased with Agnes Bruckner, whose consistently pouty expression makes her look like an six-year-old someone put in a time-out for the duration of the film. And special effects junkies will be less than mystified by the transformation from man to wolf, which involves little more than a swan dive and a flash of silver light, missing only the phrase “It’s morphin’ time!” to be completely pulled from “Power Rangers.” It’s most likely “Blood and Chocolate” will develop a following of 14-year-old goth girls who wish they too could find true love as the queen of the werewolves.

The movie fails on so many levels you lose track of them all. Stabbing a cute wolf in the chest is not a good action sequence. Turning on a female werewolf by cutting your arm open is not a good love scene. And thinking that the world needs to see the overlooked romantic side of werewolves isn’t a good reason to make a movie called “Blood and Chocolate.”

Rating: 1/2 star out of 5

Blood and Chocolate
At the Showcase and Quality 16
MGM

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