Dear Sarah Palin,

I know you’ve been busy with book signings and tea parties and all, so I won’t blame you if you haven’t had a chance to read any of my columns. To be honest, if you had read them, you may have gotten the wrong impression of me. For some reason, my readers tend to think I’m some sort of glib pawn of the pro-choice, pro-gay, elitist, Jewish, liberal establishment. Under that assessment, one would think that I’d detest everything for which you stand. But, boy, would that be wrong!

In the reflection of your rimless glasses, I see the heartbeat of America. It calls to memory images of the good old days that I never had the opportunity to know — before all those crazy “rights” movements in the 1960s — when life just seemed so pleasant for everyone, you know? The future just looks brighter when I hear you talk about returning to family values and taking the power away from the educated elites. You’ve proven that you don’t need to spend all four years at one college to have a lot of thoughtful plans for the country.

On matters of so-called “health reform,” your resolve to keep the government’s greedy hands off of Medicare is just what we need in a leader. If you were our president, when our men and women come back from Iraq and Afghanistan (and presumably Iran and North Korea by then, am I right?), there wouldn’t be any death panels denying them their needed operations.

When it comes to the recession, I know all your economic expertise will surely come in handy. Your idea that tax cuts will help reduce the national deficit is spot on! You understand that spending money on what liberals call “infrastructure” is really just irresponsible pork barrel phooey. And I know you won’t tolerate the injustice of Wall Street getting a bailout when my friends and I on Main Street can’t afford going to the Chop House on a Friday night.

So let’s get down to brass tacks: You have simply got to run in 2012! I know you’re thinking about it, so I’m letting you know that you have my endorsement. You and I both know that it was John McCain who held you back in the last election. Those temper tantrums and that haircut! Gevalt! With so many brilliant ideas for the country, so much vigor and charm, how could any real American resist you?

But before you rush back to the Republican Party, I think you ought to consider your options. Why should you constrict yourself to the parochialism of the Republican Party? It’s so rigid and status oriented — hardly a place for a maverick! Do you summer in Kennebunkport or do you hunt caribou on the Aleutian Islands? No, ma’am, you’re not one of them. And that’s a good thing!

The two-party system is old hat. Now’s the time for a party that neither defers to big business nor goes overboard with social reforms. We need a party to oppose the corrupt Republicans and Democrats alike, and to stand up for “Average Joes” all across America.

Just a week or two ago, those patriots over at Gallup asked everyday Americans who they’d be most likely to vote for in 2012. Among independents, 24 percent said they were unsure or would vote for a candidate not from the two major parties. Sounds to me like a pretty good place to start for a third-party 2012 bid. And judging by the way President Barack Obama and the Democrats lose support from centrists every day, it also looks like that number will only increase.

Now, I know you might be thinking, “Well, gee, if I run, I’ll just take real American votes from my conservative pals up in Washington, giving the election to the liberals.” And it’s true that this methodology has a basis in history. Third-party candidates almost always fail, and they often ruin the electoral chances of the candidate nearest to them ideologically. If you run, you are all but guaranteeing victory for the Democrats.

But it would send a message. Real Americans must be heard! It may be political martyrdom — but think about all the publicity for the movement!

I know you’ve been doing a lot of palm-reading lately, so perhaps you don’t need me to predict the future for you. You might already know that it’s a good idea for you to run for president in 2012 as a third-party candidate, and an even better idea to convince a handful of real Americans to run for congressional seats in your party, too.

If that happens, the political landscape in Washington will definitely be brighter after the 2012 election.

Your friend,
Matthew L. Green

Matthew can be reached at greenmat@umich.edu.

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