Well, football is over … at least
until Thanksgiving. So I figured this was as good of a time as any
to get away from that whole pigskin thing and get back to what I
love: janitorial duties.

Janna Hutz

That’s right, your Daily Janitor is back, even though
I’m pretty sure none of you knew I was gone.

Either way, I’m here to clean up the messes in this world
that you have. But until you send me your problems with the sports
world or University world, I’m just going to clean up my own
piles of trash around me.

And with that …

1. Anna Kournikova is planning a comeback.

That’s great, she’s having her first Michael Jordan
before she reaches the age of 25.

But seriously, I’m happy for her from an actual tennis
perspective.

While all the attention has been on her looks and how she is
using Enrique Iglesias to make the NHL jealous, there is that
underlying fact that she is a good tennis player.

She’s called, “Zippy Chippy” because she has
never won a singles title, and most consider her a model before an
actual tennis player. In reality, she was once eighth in the world,
has won multiple Grand Slam doubles titles and, if not for nagging
ankle and back injuries, she would still be on tour with the
Women’s Tennis Association drawing massive crowds of horny
males across the nation.

At this point I’m getting this weird vibe that my female
readers are ready to call me a stereotypical male pig or something
a little worse. But I, like a few other columnists (even female
ones) around the nation, believe that Anna-mania isn’t as bad
as feminists would think.

She should actually be a role model for little girls (I know she
was once one in Russia — hence the recent increase of James
Bond-girl look-a-likes that have invaded the WTA). I only say
“role model” because, in terms of sex appeal, Anna is
the only one actually living a healthy enough lifestyle to be
emulated by the young female population of these United States.

She isn’t starving herself to look thin. Comparing her to
TV-beautiful women is pointless, as she doesn’t even come
close to the half of the women on television. But, her sexuality
was made by her own discipline to hard work, something that any
girl should follow. Now I’m not saying girls should emulate
Anna entirely. What makes her so appealing isn’t the way her
face looks or what bra she is modeling, but that she has taken care
of her body in such a natural way and how she actually has muscle
definition instead of bone-sized arms and legs.

Athleticism is sexy, and so is the prospect of an
unranked-Kournikova Wimbledon title in 2004.

2. Get off Neal Taylor’s back.

Taylor is a high school football coach at Southeast High in
Springfield, Ill. He had a quarterback, Nate Haasis, within
striking distance of a conference record for passing yards. With
Haasis’ final game nearly over, Taylor made an agreement with
the opposing team’s coach that Haasis would be allowed to
complete the record-setting pass. Within the week after the game
was completed, Haasis petitioned the conference to take away that
passing record, as he felt it was very unfair to the previous
record setter (an unbelievable noble act for someone of
Haasis’ age).

But after the record was taken away, the coach, Taylor, has
received nothing but hatred for his supposedly kind action. A
column praising Haasis and cheap-shotting Taylor was written by
Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated, and Taylor’s name is being
put into contention for ESPN.com’s “Turkey of the
Year” (other nominees include Dave Bliss, who convinced
Baylor players to lie about a teammate after his murder; and Mike
Price and Larry Eustachy, forever linked together by their
different drunken escapades). Hmmm … lying, murder,
drunken-behavior and trying to reward a senior for four years of
hard work? Yup, all look alike to me.

Neal Taylor is someone I don’t know, but if I had to
guess, he’s very much underpaid and now receiving criticisms
as if he were getting paid like Jon Gruden.

Commend Haasis for realizing the difference between fair and
unfair, but don’t lambaste Taylor for trying to perform a
nice gesture that backfired in his face.

3. The Detroit Tigers will get Miguel Tejada.

What? They will. (Insert blind-faith comment here).

4. ESPN is being told by the NFL to shut down
“Playmakers” or else.

That’s right, ESPN’s hit show is in the process of
having its plug pulled. Apparently the NFL isn’t fond of the
portrayal that the show gives, and now it is threatening the
network to not resign its football deal with the Leader of
Worldwide Sports in 2005 when its current contract runs out.

Most likely ESPN will either tone the show down (leading to one
of the most disappointing moments in television since the
cancellation of Family Guy), or just axe it all together so that
ABC won’t feel the after effects of what would occur with the
cancellation.

To this I say, go cry me a river. You’re telling me Bill
Romanowski sets a good example for the kids? That William
Green’s current ordeal isn’t a reflection of the
league? That the perception of drugs, illegitimate children,
homosexuals, dreams crushed, abuse and off-field problems
isn’t there in the NFL?

“Playmakers” is a bad show. So bad that it is good,
and pretty much unbelievable because of the extreme nature to which
things are taken. The NFL needs to learn how to laugh at itself,
maybe learn a little bit from their own image and realize that as
soon as ESPN cancels the show, SpikeTV will pick it up and put it
right after the WWE’s Monday Night Raw.

—Kyle O’Neill wants to clean up your messes in
his next column and wishes you to write in column ideas. He can be
reached at
“mailto:kylero@umich.edu”>kylero@umich.edu.

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