Joel Hoard: Taking out the trash: How to be a hipster

 

So it’s finally happened. The indie rock kids have grown
up. Now they’re called hipsters. Hey, it was bound to happen
sooner or later. As the Stephen Malkmuses and Frank Blacks of the
scene grew old and made room for the Julian Casablancases and Paul
Bankses, so went the tried-and-true indie rocker look. Oversized
button-downs, hoodies and Archers of Loaf t-shirts gave way to
undersized button-downs, corduroy jackets and mall-bought graphic
tees.

The trick to looking like a hipster is to look like you
don’t give shit about how you look, when in reality
it’s one of your primary concerns. Hipsters are not to be
confused with metrosexuals. Metrosexuals are just hipsters who are
bad at hiding the fact that they really care. But that
doesn’t mean that the hipster shouldn’t aspire to look
slightly gay. After all, gay is the new straight.

 

And so, what follows is an all-encompassing guide on how to be a
hipster:

 

Clothes

Remember when the thrift-store look was cool? Well, it still is.
But thrift stores are not. You want your clothes to look like you
bought them at a thrift store, when in reality you paid full price
for them at the mall. You might be thinking, don’t clothes
from thrift stores give me the thrift-store look for much less? No,
they don’t. Please, don’t argue. It’s a paradox,
and you’re not supposed to argue with paradoxes. Anyway, the
point is that you want your clothes to look old and worn-out, when
in reality they’re brand new.

So you’re at the mall, and now it’s time to actually
select your items. Here’s what you do: Imagine you’re
an accountant. You were up all night drinking and doing blow, and
you have to work in the morning. But wait, there’s good news:
It’s casual Friday! Dress accordingly.

(If you still haven’t figured it out, you’re
supposed to wear dark jeans, a colorful dress shirt, untucked of
course, a sport coat, black socks and casual leather shoes with
matching belt.)

 

Hair

When it comes to hair, it’s pretty much anything goes.
Just don’t spend money on it. Do what I do and cut your own
hair. Or let it grow out and get long and shaggy. It doesn’t
really matter. Just remember one thing: Only metrosexuals go to
hairstylists.

 

Accessories

First of all, get yourself a messenger bag. Canvas or leather
will do nicely. Your color choices are limited to black and brown.
And make sure you sling it across your chest when you’re out
and about. Over the shoulder is for squares.

And for you myopia sufferers out there, some thick black plastic
rim glasses are essential. If you’re unfortunate enough to
have perfect vision, sorry, but you’re out of luck on this
one.

However, one thing everyone can enjoy is a trendy drug habit. To
start out, you’ll need an Argentinian leather coke pouch and
hand-blown glass snorting straws. When you work your way up to
heroin, Harry Winston offers a wide array of designer syringes.

 

Gadgets

You’re going to need lots of technology. This part is
important, so listen up: Size matters. Your iPod should be as big
as possible — at least 25 gigabytes. Anything less just
won’t cut it. And make sure you use the white ear buds that
come with the iPod. They’re a badge that shows you’re
part of the iPod brotherhood. They boldly proclaim,
“I’m so important that my portable music device cost as
much as a house. What of it?”

As for your cell phone, smaller is better. I’m talking
dangerously small. It should be so small that you need tweezers to
hold it. And make sure it has some cool but unnecessary features,
like an onboard GPS, a QWERTY keyboard and a shitload of ring
tones. Also, lose the flip phone. It’s not cool anymore.
Slide phones are where it’s at.

If ever you’re in doubt about what gadgets to buy,
there’s one simple rule: If it has a camera on it, it must be
cool.

 

So there you have it. Take my advice and you’ll be hip in
no time. Don’t get upset if people start calling you an
asshole. That means it’s working.

— Contact Joel at
“mailto:j-ho@umich.edu”>j-ho@umich.edu.