Editor’s note: This piece appeared in print in the Daily’s annual satirical edition – a tradition that has since been discontinued – and is a work of satire.
You follow the wrong god. You wear silly outfits. Your countries are poor, your culture is shit, your history is pathetic. Your armies are composed of a bunch of towel heads cowering inside Soviet-era Russian tanks, honestly believing that god (a false one) will save you. Your women are downtrodden, your men are adulterers.
The long and short of it is this: There”s nothing right about you. All of you.
We follow the right God. We wear suits, ties, black shoes. We are rich in wealth, culture and heritage. Our armies are strong, our women are free and our men (ex-presidents aside) never fuck outside the wedding band.
We are right. You are wrong.
So here”s the deal. I”ve explained who”s next Iran, Iraq, North Korea. If there was any way to make a bomb that targeted only those that drop to their knees five times a day, I”d build it. If there was some way to pour Jesus into your ears and capitalism into your eyes, I”d do it. I”d rip off the hijabs, pull off the beards and force some good ol” American moonshine down your throats.
I know, I know. “This isn”t about Islam,” I claimed. “There is a difference between Muslims and terrorists.”
Bullshit. Those were sound bites for the press and the Saudi prince. I couldn”t lose my allies, at least in the beginning. As long as I needs the Paks to launch my American bombs, I couldn”t be out-and-out about you heathens.
But now that I”ve successfully vacated that despicable plot of nothingness known as Afghanistan, I don”t care about that Democratic political correctness. I can now speak the truth, the God-inspired (not to be confused with the “god”-inspired) truth.
You call us infidels? You? A people whose language looks like gibberish and sounds like the drunken screams of a rich Texan fraternity boy at Yale? Whose “god” permits you to marry four times? Who had the audacity to attack America?
I am George Walker Bush! More powerful than your god, because I have the Bible in one hand and the trigger in the other. I was baptized into America, fed nicely on American soils (and spoils). I was educated on the Almighty (dollar) I ate the bread, drank the wine (oh, did I ever drink the wine!), read the Book.
Your god, your land, your lives mean nothing to me. I loathe you with the same intensity that you loathe us. The difference is that my loathing comes with a price: Your heathenistic lives. You tried, you failed, you died. You don”t get a fucking A for effort.
God bless America, God fuck you. We”ll kill you and laugh. We”ll go to heaven for it.
George W. Bush can be reached via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.