Student government elections take place
next week. If you are one of those ambitious individuals, starved
for popularity and desperate for as many votes possible, then you
may be interested in the following my top-10 power moves for
success. Follow these rules and you’ll be on your way to the
Michigan Student Assembly chambers!
One: Pledge to bring a Taco Bell to campus. On those late nights
when I need to make a run for the border, I have to make a 15 to 20
minute trip to a distant land just to get my hands on a crispy
chalupa. Clearly this is unacceptable, and if this year’s
candidates truly care about the student population, they will
swiftly move to satisfy our endless desires for crunchy tacos and
seven-layer burritos — all to be charged onto our
Entrée Plus, of course.
Two: Wear your Greek letters proudly. Don’t be ashamed
that your frat brothers and sisters got your new pledges drunk and
forced them to have a huge orgy. This will definitely get you that
popularity that you’ve been longing for, as students will see
you as their key to happiness. If free alcohol and sex can’t
send young co-eds to the polls, honestly, nothing else will.
Three: Put your cell phone number on all of your pieces of
literature. When people see your bright pink flyers strewn all over
Denison Hall, they’ll have a reason to call you … And
even better, when you lose the election, you can use the leftover
leaflets as a pimping tactic. Who needs a pen and paper when
you’ve got a nice 5 x 4 complete with picture, phone number
and evidence of your lameness, such as “vote for me because I
have school spirit.”
Four: SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! I promise that this will make you lots
of happy new friends. Despite popular belief, people actually love
having their inboxes filled with junk mail from people that they
have absolutely no desire of knowing or voting for. Clever e-mails
claiming that we know each other from econ class are the greatest,
especially because I’ve never actually taken an econ class in
Five: Harass those voters! When you’re sweeping the halls,
pay no attention to the no solicitation signs because what they
really mean is their vote isn’t for sale because
they’re already voting for you. And there’s nothing
wrong with a friendly reminder of why they’re voting for you,
is there? Of course not.
Six: Harass those voters some more! Don’t be afraid to
call anyone at two o’clock in the morning. Why? Because these
people are actually up and waiting for your call. You sound great
over the phone, and your voice rambling on forever is like music to
any sane person’s ears … especially at two in morning
— in fact the earlier the better. The campus would love to
receive 5 a.m.-wake up calls from your campaign, and I guarantee
that they won’t forget your name, whatever it is, on election
Seven: Don’t forget the power of Sexy Grandpa. Make that
hike up to North Campus and into the Bursley cafeteria, where you
can join forces with the campus’s best chef and political
spokesperson. If you can’t get a high-caliber athlete to pose
with you for your T-shirt picture, Sexy Grandpa is obviously the
next-best alternative. He’ll get you votes, man.
Eight: Now’s a good time to start going back to class
… and actually staying awake. Face-to-name recognition is
priceless. Sure, freezing your ass off on the Diag handing out
leaflets works, but nothing draws more attention than having your
cell phone going off in the middle of class to a Jay-Z tune. So go
ahead and brush the dust off of those books, and your shoulders for
that matter, and put mommy and daddy’s money to good use.
The last two pieces of advice are for those extremely ambitious
individuals, who not only look to gain popularity, but also hope to
establish change — because it’s rough out here on the
streets of Ann Arbor.
Nine: Never, ever, ever expose your conservative thought. If
anyone ever finds out that you voted for Bush, your MSA career is
over. Described as uncompromisingly liberal, MSA is notorious for
tarring and feathering members with diverse viewpoints.
Representative Charles Adside III can tell you all about this.
After being reamed out by Jason Mironov and Co. for merely
suggesting that both sides of Proposal 2 be reviewed, he quickly
learned that there is only one right way in MSA, and that’s
Ten: MSA touts diversity and appears to welcome individuals from
different backgrounds; however, this is all a figment of
MSA’s imagination. There’s a high turnover rate within
the chambers, especially among minorities, for a simple reason:
It’s their way … or their way. So if you plan to
institute change, just make sure that it’s popular, because
within MSA, what’s popular is always best, even if it makes
no sense at all.
Well my little grasshoppers, I’ve taken you as far as I
can. Good luck to you all!