So much big news this week, yada, yada ‘under g(G)od’ blah, blah ‘drug testing’ etc and squish, squish went an anal probing for our Commander in Chief. But most importantly, someone has made a case for the sterilization of idiots in an afternoon-long debacle. In Southfield (where the best thing is the Star Theater playing the digital “Episode II: Attack of the Clones”) last Friday some woman (whose name has yet to be released) left her kids in a car while she had her hair done for three hours, came back and found the three-year-old boy and ten-month-old girl dead.

Paul Wong

I hope her extensions are nice.

It gets better. Much better.

After making her discovery, she told the police that she had been abducted and raped and upon returning to her car (with a masterfully crafted alibi (idiot) and nice new coif) found her children cooked. This is actually a pretty new trend, a Gallup poll of rapists showed that five of seven rapists were very concerned with making a woman’s hair look salon-sexy after they were done with the animalistic pillaging of her body. “It’s not what you do,” said closet rapist J. Rascal. “But how you do it, we want the hair to look nice when we’re done. We’re not savages, we’re artists.”

It still gets better.

The child-cooker later reneged on her rape-scheme, admitting that she drove around for three hours before going to the hospital, trying to come up with an alibi. Trying to come up with an alibi for three hours and all she can do is pull the “while I was being raped my kids died or fell asleep” story.

Quick math check: Based on the kiddie-killer’s story the two youth’s barbecued for in the back of a Chevy Impala, considering the ‘x-factor’ of the car potentially having leather seats, the heat would be magnified and add a little more broil and a little less char to the kid-steaks. Hey boss, could you pass me the Open Pit?

The kids are dead. The mother has a fabulous new haircut and is feeling younger than her 25 years inevitably show. The tragedy is of course in the death of the children, but it does not lie solely in that reality. Even worse perhaps than the thought of kids suffocating, or cooking and choking on their last breath of life while they claw desperately at the windows, which are fogging under their heavy wheezing. They are fidgeting frantically with the doors, trying to get out, but can’t because of those god-forsaken child locks which kept me in the car and out of Toys ‘R’ Us all those years ago. Even worse is the idea that the mother is a human being who actually A) had sex B) gave birth C) was supposed to be a guardian for these kids and D) clearly is in the upper tier of national intelligence ratings.

For insects.

It is equally horrifying to think that someone actually procreated with this woman and allowed her to bring children into this world. It is right there in the Constitution, life, liberty, pursuit of happiness and giving birth, right? Well give birth she did, and cook her children she did. I wonder how much more her children would have been neglected, or how much they had been neglected on a daily basis. Should people be allowed to breed if they are incapable of taking care of themselves, let alone other people? You don’t let a retarded rat have children in a lab environment, unless you’re sick or a scientist, you can’t be both, one or the other. But should we really allow people to have children when they can’t take care of themselves?

If you say “yes, having a child is your right,” just fold up the paper, stop reading and have your tubes tied. I don’t need you cooking your own children too. Of course people who are unfit to be parents shouldn’t have children. “Oh, but Luke, accidents happen.”

Yes they do.

But not if there was a test. To the overly self-aware politically correct masses the test would be pegged the “Breeding and Parenting Competency Test,” in reality it would simply be an idiot test. The BPCT features myriad questions about simple elements of child-rearing and personal hygiene, as well as a cooking portion. The most important part would be the new essay portion, which would help ease the test’s potential racial bias. Basically, if you don’t pass the test, you aren’t fit to have a child and subsequently your right to breed is revoked in the form of a government afforded sterilization.

Help control the moron population. Have your moron spayed or neutered.

It’s the responsible way.

Luke Smith can be reached at lukems@umich.edu.

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