I hope everybody”s done all their gift-buying, what with only seven shopping days left. Better make reservations for dinner now, or else all the classy restaurants will be booked. Time is definitely running out for card shopping soon all of the cute or funny cards will be gone. What am I talking about? Why, everybody”s favorite holiday, Sweetest Day.
Before I really get going, I have to ask: What the hell is Sweetest Day? I don”t know about you, but I had never heard of Sweetest Day until my freshman year. Granted, I was extremely sheltered when I got here, but only from the good stuff. At first, I thought it might be a campus holiday, a creation of the students here at the University. You know, sort of like Hash Bash or the Naked Mile, only crappier. Eventually, I found people who had heard of it, and realized that it must be bigger than that, so I developed a new theory. Maybe it”s a regional Midwestern thing, I thought, sort of like “pop” or euchre or “suckers.”
Eventually, though, I did some research, and according to www.holidayinsights.com, Sweetest Day “is dedicated just for your sweetie. It exists as an opportunity for you to recognize that sweet and special someone no other reason than that.” To reiterate, that last part of the sentence was “no other reason than that.” Obviously, there is some reason for Sweetest Day, but no one seems to know it. Maybe it has something to do with the gift card and candy companies” pact with Satan.
Regardless of where it came from, Sweetest Day has worked out great for one segment of the population: The couples. As if it”s not bad enough that couples already have Valentine”s Day, two birthdays and as many anniversaries as they want, now they have Sweetest Day. It”s just one more excuse for them to buy gifts, go to dinner and talk cutesy, and worst of all it offers them another “legitimate” reason to sexile their roommates.
As a single person who has had a roommate with a girlfriend for the last three years, I say enough is enough. Couples already have consistent sex, and love and affection and stuff, not to mention those other holidays. Why do they, of all people, need a phony day of celebration in the middle of October? It”s the single people who deserve a day to celebrate.
It is therefore with great fanfare that I propose the following single person”s holiday: Casual Sex Day. Hear me out I think it”s a great idea (if I do say so myself). Casual Sex Day, a day for single people to celebrate their unattached status. To all those single people with coupled roommates, think how gratifying it could be to tell them “Look, today”s my day, so could you clear out tonight?”
Lest ye think this is some hastily developed idea, don”t worry. I”ve thought this out very carefully, for at least ten minutes. To begin with, Casual Sex Day would be observed like a Jewish holiday, beginning at sundown on one day and ending at sundown on the next day.
The way it would work is, on Casual Sex Eve, single people would find a random person to sleep with. Then, in the morning, you have flowers and chocolate waiting. You get cleaned up, get a card, go out to dinner, maybe some more casual sex, and then go on your separate ways. Once the sun starts to set that day, a hearty handshake and a “Happy Casual Sex Day” are all that”s necessary, and then it”s back to normal.
Some of you are probably thinking, “This is stupid. Why should I care? I already have lots of no-frill, no-commitment sex with multiple anonymous partners every weekend.” Well la-di-freakin-da. Good for you. I”m not some moral crusader or anything like that, I”m just not a big proponent of the whole “wham bam thank you ma”am (or sir), have a nice walk of shame” attitude. I like to believe I”m not alone on this one. It just seems like there are actually plenty of people who feel obligated to do crazy, old-fashioned things like walk someone home or call the next day. I don”t know why maybe we”ve seen too many Disney movies.
If I may digress for a moment, I would like to remind everybody that I am in a fraternity, and have been for the last three years. Put that in your stereotype and smoke it.
Getting back to Casual Sex Day, I”ve got it pretty much all worked out. The only thing I haven”t figured out yet is when CSD should actually be observed. My first thought was to hold it on the second Saturday in March, which (coincidentally) coincides with my birthday. Then the immature seventh grader in me kicked in, and I thought maybe the second week in June would be more appropriate (think about it). On second thought, scheduling it so close to Father”s Day could lead to some cheesy American Pie 2 moments, so scratch that. Oh well. I guess it”s stupid to arbitrarily pick a random weekend and declare it a holiday. Which reminds me: have a happy, happy Sweetest Day.
Steven Kyritz can be reached via e-mail at email@example.com.