So. You”re computer shopping. With your parents. The aisles in Circuit City are lit up like a menorah on the 7th night of Chanukah. Some squirmy college kid (Is he from last semester”s bio class?) putzes over. He smiles at you. (What is his name? Robert? Robbie?) He smiles at your parents. (Definitely Robbie.) “Can I help you?” beams Robbie. (Go away. Please.) “Sure!” says Mom.

Paul Wong
According to Sarah, iMacs are evil machines that just plain suck.<br><br>Courtesy of Apple of America

Now you have passed the point of no return. So Robbie drones on about RAM and CD-R and why Compaq is really making a comeback. Your eyes wander over to all of the less-expensive pieces of electronics that you”d prefer.

But you finally stop on the turquoise computer in the corner. Wait. There are orange ones. And pink ones. And before you can help yourself, you are edging toward them, lusting after them. You have been sold on the fashionable techie-look of the iMac. Do not be fooled by the benign appearance of these machines. They mock everything that is good and right in a world of PCs and notebooks.

You see, iMacs are the devil. Almost overnight, they have infiltrated campus. You can”t use a University computer lab without running into scores of them. They have multiplied exponentially and they have all but taken over the Fishbowl, the UGLi, and that creepy little computer lab in the basement of the Union.

For those of you who haven”t had the pleasure of working with an iMac, here are some of their little nuances that I find particularly atrocious.

No. 1. They suck.

No. 2. They aren”t PC compatible. So everyone who owns a computer that is not a Mac is SOL when it comes to printing final papers at 4 a.m.

No. 3. The damn keyboard is about 2 inches big. And it is really freaking sensitive. Mysterious, miscellaneous words appear on the screen at random. So when you try to type, “Sarah Rubin is the best columnist ever!” it comes out “Antidisestablishmentarianism.” And there is no quick IMing. Nope. You”re talking to obesesoccerfiend89 and out of nowhere the IM takes on a life of it”s own. Before you know it obesesoccerfiend 89 is coming over to your house. Ugh.

No. 4. So the mouse has one clicker-thingee. Not two. One. Why can”t they be like ordinary computers? You can never discern exactly what it is that you”re agreeing to. And there is this whack “CLICK” noise, every single time you do it. CLICK says the computer. CLICK! CLICK! It”s more annoying than when the asshole next to you talks on his cell for the entirety of his Snood game.

No. 5. They suck.

No. 6. The task bar is all weird and at the bottom. Not the top. No icons. Not the side. There are three little boxes at the top of each document. So you try to close something. But which is which? It”s like, “Guess what”s behind door No. 2.” Except, if you guess wrong, all of your Spanish homework is about as accessible as an advisor during finals. And then, when you do actually minimize a program, nothing goes away. Nothing leaps to the bottom of your screen. It stays and it gets in your way.

No. 7. They do the whole stylistic lower-case letters logo. iMac. Capitalize the I, people.

No. 8. They”re all, “Look at me! I”m so cute!” They are more of an accessory that a computer. People get little ibooks and carry them around like Kate Spade bags.

No. 9. They definitely cost more than a Kate Spade bag. They cost more than 10 of them. Expensive little pieces of junk. If you”re really in the mood for that whole translucent purple and clear plastic combination, buy a George Foreman grill. Now those are some high-quality appliances.

So here is a call for help. PC users of the world, unite. Picket. Refuse to drop 4 months of rent on pseudo-computers. Because, remember folks, like tight-rolled jeans and other trends of the past, iMacs will also go out of style.

If you also have a vendetta against iMacs or clear plastic, please feel free to share your grief and boring anecdotal accounts with Sarah Rubin at

syrubin@umich.edu.

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