President of the Sins of Sports Fans: Ladies and gentleman, I want to thank you for attending this year’s Sins of Sports Fans Convention. We have very important business to take care of today.

People are getting tired of our behavior. Bloggers, columnist and TV show hosts alike think our words and actions are an embarrassment to sports fandom. For years, we have been pushed to the side, and we shouldn’t tolerate it any longer.

(Polite applause)

So, we have to think of ways to improve our image. Does anyone have suggestions to open our forum?

Guy on cell phone waving: Hey! . Hey! Over here!

President: Yes, you in the back.

Guy on cell phone waving: No, I wasn’t talking to you. I’m talking to my friend watching on television. Hey, you can hear me now too? Awesome!

President: See, this is what I’m talking about, people, we must stop this kind of behavior.

The wave starter: One . two . three, woooooo! (silence) Come on guys, what’s wrong with you!

President: Sir, this isn’t even a sporting event. Why are you trying to start the wave?

The wave starter: Come on, man have some fun! Everyone, one . two . three, woooooo!

President: Let’s move forward. I’ve drafted some rules and regulations we should follow to earn ourselves more respect. Rule No. 1 .

Armchair quarterback: Excuse me.

President: Yes?

Armchair quarterback: You need to speak louder. And you should’ve worn a black suit instead of a gray suit. If I was up there, I’d talk loudly and look good so I’d get everyone’s attention.

President: You’re wearing gym shorts and a T-shirt right now. You don’t even have shoes on.

Armchair quarterback: I’m just saying.

President: Guys, we have to focus. This is important. Now .

Streaker: Wooooooooooooo! Go Blue! (Dashes across stage)

President: See, this is what I’m talking about. That’s very annoying.

Fairweather fan: Yeah man, that sucks.

The wave starter: I don’t think streaking is that bad.

Fairweather fan: Streaking isn’t that bad.

President: Are you listening to yourself? Don’t you see why people can’t stand fans like us? We have to change our ways to be accepted by the mainstream.

Pink hat-wearing person: Why?

President: Well, because.

Painted chest guy: We’re just trying to have fun at games. If anything, we should work toward making others accept us rather than trying to conform to their standards of “true” fandom.

All: Yeah!

President: So, is anyone in favor of changing anything?

(Silence)

President: All right then. We have that settled. Next up, an interesting presentation called “ESPN: Everyone Should Prepare Nice signs.”

Over his four years at Michigan, Bosch has learned to embrace all kinds of fans. He wants to thank those fans who have read all his columns and provided compliments, insults or left it on the ground in Angell Hall. He can be reached at hectobos@umich.edu.

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