Last week, I started making my resume. If there’s anything that makes me more uncomfortable than having to boast about myself in print and passing it around to a bunch of strangers, it’s having to do it in corporate speak (e.g. Team-oriented player with creative vision.). The thought makes me want to wretch. Lucky for me, I haven’t even gotten that far yet. So far, I’ve spent more time fumbling around with the tab button and the space bar than anything else.
So instead of buckling down and just finishing the damn thing as a good job applicant should, I’ve decided that bartending and waiting tables really wasn’t that bad after all. Oh sure, I’ve visited the career center a few times, sought advice from other recent graduates, moped around my apartment muttering: You do have vision, John, just make something up. But try as I might, I can’t bring myself to write these silly little bullet-point sentences about myself.
So in lieu of a standard resume and cover letter, I am publishing in this space the sort of resume I think we should all be required to submit. Job seekers unite!
White, bearded male (shaving out of the question) seeking employment with organization that does something – anything – to make the world a better place. History major. Must have smoking break room. Must tolerate liberal political views, occasional tardiness and ironic indie-rock T-shirts on casual day.
Will not answer to boy, son, ace, buddy or any similarly condescending name. Will answer to Johnny, if you must.
Not having a health insurance policy is unacceptable.
Company softball team a huge plus. Paid vacation time a must. Will work hard – tirelessly even – while at work, but will require occasional time off in order to remain sane and grounded. Happy workers are productive workers, remember?
Must not demand emotional attachment to workplace, boss, coworkers or cubicle. Work is work, unless I get paid to sit on my front porch, in which case I would never retire.
Must not be expected to be inspired by Hawaiian T-shirt Day.
Will not work with anyone who is intentionally mean, or for anyone who will not at least listen to my ideas. Will follow orders dutifully if respected. If not, will get really indignant and call the American Civil Liberties Union or the Better Business Bureau or Neal, who has been known to use a ballpoint pen as a weapon.
Possess unique and highly honed skills of responding to hate mail, losing breath by simply walking up small flight of stairs and forgetting things.
Will research, edit, archive, plan, design, plant, coordinate or tap, but would prefer a job that rhymes with biter.
Would really rather not wear a polo shirt with the company logo on it. Ever. (I mean, seriously people, how lame.)
Will not work for corporation like Wal-Mart that discriminates against women, busts up unions and drives out of business untold numbers of local entrepreneurs.
Radio broadcasts of Chicago Cubs games must be allowed in office/cubicle/timeout corner at all times.
E-mail must be safe from the prying eyes of management, corporate bigwigs and John Ashcroft. So too must applicant’s personal file. Applicant may one day desire alderman position in Chicago neighborhood, would prefer that citation for sassing boss kept quiet.
Pension plan must not be tied up in stock market, susceptible to whims of Porsche-driving, trophy-wife-seeking CEO or have anything to do with anything in Texas.
Most importantly, applicant desires job. We’ll leave it at that.