Last week I went to see Kate Hudson’s new film, “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.” It’s basically a girl-meets-boy, girl-loses-boy and girl-ends-up-with-boy romantic comedy that is missing the component that usually makes these films interesting – sex.
I’m not saying that the studio should have included soft-core porn, I’m simply asserting that in a world dominated by female nudity, a little more of Matthew McConaughey wouldn’t hurt anybody.
The oohs and aahs of the female viewers when McConaughey took off his shirt illustrate that most women were probably thinking about sex during the movie, but we unfortunately had no visual to go along with our fantasies.
However, what distinguishes this film from the thousands of others in its genre is that it chronicles every needy and possessive thing a woman could possibly do in a relationship. And, it is all done in the span of ten days. While this does make for interesting viewing, it is humor at the expense of women, who are portrayed as complete psychos.
Believe me, the average woman usually does not want to declare everlasting love after three days.
Let’s be serious, this is the twenty-first century. Some women are just as happy with casual sex and casual dating as men. I have never heard of a woman who after less than a week of dating redecorates a man’s apartment in all pink or who shows up at the all-male poker game and demands that the guys put out their cigars and eat carrots.
As we walked out of the theater, one of my housemates made an interesting observation. “It takes 10 days to lose someone?” she asked. “Yeah right, all it really takes is 10 minutes.” This made me think – is it possible to lose someone with only one sentence?
After doing some informal research (yes, that means asking my friends) I decided to compile a list of pretty thoughtless and strange things men have said to women that started catastrophic arguments, made them throw out phone numbers and tear up photographs. Remember, being honest is always the best policy. However, being honest is not synonymous with being tactless.
Guys, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been with a woman for just one night or for five years. If you ever want her to sleep with you again, you will think before saying any of the following:
1. “Umm, yeah. You should probably get going now. My girlfriend will be home soon.” This one goes hand in hand with tossing her clothes onto the bed and saying, “Well, it was really nice meeting you last night but I’ve got a lot of stuff to do today so you better get going.” Always, always, offer her a ride home or at least call (and pay for) a cab. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.
2. “Having your period doesn’t mean you can’t give blow jobs.” Yes, I do know someone who not only said this, but actually thought it was a great line. Needless to say, he didn’t get any.
3.”Your friend is really cute, could I have her number?” If you use this one, you will probably end up with a black eye.
4. “This is my umm, my umm, good friend,” after having dated for months. Along with that one is every guy’s favorite standby line, “Why do we need to put a label on it, aren’t we fine the way we are?” It’s the age-old question: Why are men afraid of the word “girlfriend?”
5. “No, I’m not still interested in my ex-girlfriend. I just do her laundry and clean her apartment to be nice.” Along these same lines is the sex-with-an-ex predicament. You do not want to delve into the situation by saying, “Sex with my ex isn’t really cheating because I was sleeping with her far before I even knew you.” Nothing good can come of this situation.
6. “Did I say I was studying tonight? You must have misheard me,” when she catches you at the bar with your buddies. This campus is not that big. If you lie, she will see you out.
7. “Baby, of course you are still as hot as you were when we met, there’s just more of you now.” This one is just as detrimental to a relationship as, “If you got your boobs done, you’d be even more hot.”
8. “I never wear a condom, I’m just way too big for them.” I can’t even justify this one with a comment.
9. Saying during sex, “Ohhh, Sarah, you feel so good,” when her name is Laura. Even worse is if you call out her brother’s name.
10. And of course, in honor of Valentine’s Day: “Why would I buy you anything for Valentine’s Day? It’s not as if we’re really dating.”
Now don’t get me wrong. There are many sensitive, thoughtful, loving men who would never ever say anything like this. However, these men are few and far between. Most women will have to suffer through one or two of these lines before finding Mr. Right.
– If you have something sweet to say to Caitlin, she can be reached at email@example.com.